The last three weeks have been rough. Very rough.
There was no real problem, per say. I just frequently had drastic mood swings, from bad to close-to-normal, and that could happen.. instantly. Just like that. In the Harry Potter's series, this would be like when the dementors come and snatch your happiness away, leaving you terrified, doleful, and vulnerable.
I felt so troubled. I couldn't feel any joy, didn't feel satisfied nor was I able to.. give any love. It might be I was worrying, but I couldn't figure out what about. Though my mind was pretty clouded (literally) all the time, I survived the days because there was work that kept me busy. But when evenings came, it's all going downhill...

I felt like I lost myself. Didn't know what to do. What the heck is happening on me?!

I tried all approaches I could think of. I prayed. I counted the blessings I receive. I spent time alone to contemplate. I worked on my list of todos. Those didn't help really. In fact, going through them was a burden.. and emotion-less. Weekends weren't any better. Facing Saturdays was scary because I just wanted to get away and not socialize with anybody. Hate having to put on a fake smile.

I somehow think that the root cause is me being unable to forgive.. a particular case. Or am I unwilling to? My big ego kicked in. And here I am, in my own-made little selfish world. I said little, because really, it's all about me. I did everything to get myself away.. away from any heartache.

Psalm 38:4-10 says it right:
My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

Sigh.