The Lord is with us

You say, "It's impossible."
God says, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." (Luke 18:27 NIV)

You say, "I'm exhausted."
He says, "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength... " (Isaiah 40:31 NKJV)

You say, "Nobody loves me."
He says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love..." (Jeremiah 31:3 NIV)

You say, "I can't go on."
He says, "My grace is sufficient for you..." (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)

You say, "I don't know what to do."
He says, "... And He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:6 NKJV)

You say, "I can't do it."
He says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13 NKJV)

You say, "It's not worth it."
He says, "We will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9 NIV)

You say, "I can't forgive myself."
He says, "In Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32 NIV)

You say, "I can't make ends meet."
He says, "God shall supply all your need..." (Philippians 4:19 NKJV)

You say, "I'm afraid."
He says, "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power..." (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV)

You say, "I can't handle this."
He says, "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you..." (Psalm 55:22NIV)

You say, "I'm not smart enough."
He says, "If any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it..." (James 1:5 NCV)

You say, "I'm all alone."
He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5 NKJV)

I know I am never alone and I fight the good fight for God and with God. May you feel His company, too, today and tomorrow. God bless!

Professional blog

I have decided to record my professional experience in a separate blog, to keep this one personal and free-form.

I have started writing some posts there. The more interesting ones will be about my volunteering experience in Udaipur, India. It still may or may not happen (and that's why it is interesting :)).

Follow me at http://papayavsbanana.wordpress.com!

Can I Have This Dance

I stumbled upon this movie on one weekend. Pretty struck with it, especially the music and dance between Zac and Vanessa. The words are beautiful. I wish to have this dance someday.. when I finally find the one in the million :)

Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close, take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.

Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

Chorus:
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

**Chorus

Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you threw it all

And you can't keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can't keep us apart)
'Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are

**Chorus

Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
'Cause together or not, our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be

Sweet Hour of Prayer

I went to church yesterday, and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer, by William Walford. It is a song with soft melody and such true words that gave me peace. I am sharing the lyrics here with you:

Sweet hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer
that calls me from a world of care
and bids me at my Father's throne
Make all my wants and wishes known
in seasons of distress and grief
My soul has often found relief
and oft escaped tempter's snare
By thy return, sweet hour of prayer

Sweet hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer
Thy wings shall my petition bear
To him whose truth and faithfulness
engage the waiting soul to bless
And since he bids me seek his face
believe his Word and trust his grace
I'll cast on him my every care
and wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer

Luke 12 : 6-7
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Last Friday, after work, some of the trainers and I decided it was a good time to go to the pub. There is one near the office, called Sathya, which is actually a family restaurant and bar. That is what the board in front of the place says. We were about to leave when I thought, "More students should come, especially the ones who do not usually hang out." So I went into our bus and started giving the talk.

When one hears the word pub, he/she has either positive or a negative impression. Pub literally means "a tavern or bar" in the dictionary. People who like to hang out in the bar, which is usually associated with drinking, will be excited with the idea of to the pub. People who do not drink usually get discouraged. This is true with most of the Chinese students because they do not drink and they usually do not hang out in bars. This time I felt the urge to intervene and clarify.

I went into the bus and announced, "Let's go to the pub!" I looked around with a smile and waited a couple seconds, then I added "It's a family restaurant! A friendly restaurant with pub food. You can get lime juice, soda, or water, don't have to be drink." I looked around again to see some people smiling hearing it. They must be thinking "Oh yea? A family restaurant?" Now their paradigm has shifted from the pub to the family restaurant. That is quite positive.

They were not sure immediately. Of course I had to say that several times, with different gestures and gentle coax. One asked, "Till how late are you planning to stay there?" Another said, "I don't want to go home too late at night." Oh, some are concerned with the time. "I usually do that", I thought. "Well, others may stay until late, but I don't plan to. Probably stay for 1.5 hours." More faces showed agreement.

One by one they started to make a move. First, they lifted their bags, but still waiting for the other Chinese students to make a move. Then they looked at one another. Finally, when I left the bus, they stood up and followed. I said to the other guys waiting outside "I have followers." They could only wonder, "How did you do it?" I guess I can be influential.

We were a group of Chinese, British, German/Australian, and Indians. The next few hours were awesome.
One student asked, "Is it common when the girl forces the boy to propose to her?" We then had a good talk about girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancee, and marriage.
Another question arose, "I felt we have a lot of social activities during the week, and sometimes the weekends. Do I have to go to each one? I feel I have to go home and do homework, at least during the weekdays." So we talked about work-life balance, and that they should not do something while feeling forced and uncomfortable. They could pick what they want to focus on, whether studying or socializing is more important for them,

It is a family restaurant, yes, and I completely did not expect to see any animals around the restaurant area, not to mention inside the restaurant. We sighted a mouse roaming around under the table opposite to us. Not long after the mouse roamed around the little garden behind me. I freaked out. Aaahhh! mouse, you are dirty, go away!

We had good food, good talk, and good relationship building. I am glad to make the step to approach the students. I am glad they decided to come. Hope they had a good time, too, just as I did.

Did you call me, Lord?

It only takes one person, literally, one person, to fire the light in my heart.

Is this a calling from God? Is He reminding me of my passion and my purpose? Did you call me, Lord?

I have decided to postpone my grad school application for another year. After being home last week, I felt a heavy of being away from home for so long.. and almost decided that I would just let go of grad school and go home for good next year.
Just 2 days after that, I met Jonathan.. and he is all like me, in terms of grad school, but with more persistence. Ah, just what I need, right?

He thought about grad school since over a year ago. Decided to give another year to gain more experience and to better prepare for the application. But he was stuck with busyness from this consulting job and did not really study much. He really wants to do international development work but actually does not have substantial experience, only some international work here and there. He cannot wait another year to apply to school. It is now 1.5 months to application deadlines, and he is still writing his first school application.
Oh my. Can't wait how similar his situation is with me. He talked me about applying to school and I really buy it. He is only ahead of me in terms of GMAT/GRE. I still have to take it. But, I should be able to apply to some schools. Maybe I should not have lofty goals of applying to 10 schools, but only 5; not all the top schools, but good enough; not with 100% prepared in GRE, but well enough to get good scores. Ah, who knows!

This is going to give me a lot more work than now. I know. But I am so fired up tonight that I cannot deny the fact that there is more to this than my interest. Maybe this will be a dream come true. Maybe God is calling me to do His work. I can never be 100% sure this is what I want to do, but it has been almost 2 years now since I got excited about this - going back to school and potentially work with school kids, parents, and/or the communities. 2 years of having this little light in my heart cannot be understated. Let's nurture it and grow the fire.

My family

This time, I am counting down 2.5 more months, day by day. Please go fast!

For the whole album, it's here.

I just arrived in Bangalore and am in the taxi while typing this. Can't believe time keeps moving on despite the pain I feel. I know for sure that I will soon forget that I miss home. I will soon get used to living independently, hanging out with my colleagues here, and walking around this not-quite-like-home territory. Yes, I can survive. But really, is this the life I want? to keep being on the road and away from the family?

Anyway, as an antidote, I already contacted Errol to see if he wants to go to church this evening. I miss the Lord a lot as I have much neglected Him while on vacation. I always do that :(. He only knows my loneliness. He only can heal.

Is it time?

It feels very hard leaving Surabaya this time. Actually, I was in Singapore at the moment of writing this, but the hardest part is from leaving home. This happened once before.. a few years back. It is kind of like the "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing" song.

My parents definitely came to mind. Ok, maybe in the beginning.

I remember one night taking my mom to bed. As she lied down, I saw her getting-older face and I started to cry a little bit. Didn't let it happen cause she shouldn't see me that sad. Her face said so much about her and her life. On one side she is a hardworking, perseverant wife, and a patient, gentle, and super-wise mom. Of course sometimes she gave too much advice, but that is much better than too little. On the other side, she is aging, losing some parts of her health, often gets tired though she fights all that bravely. I feel I am losing her day by day as I am away from home.

My dad is in a similar position. He used to be tall and big and strong, and often bad-tempered :p. He still has a little bad temper nowadays, but he has also shrunk due to chronic health concerns. Every time I get home (for vacation), he always asks me to consider staying home for good. Never demands, just requests to consider. He would say, "Don't work too hard. Stay home here in Surabaya. It is ok, you don't have to get much money." When we chat with other people, he sometimes hints that we are unwilling to be back to home. Yes, I am guilty of letting him feel that way.

I have put myself away from them during their important years.. when they grow old and start to resign from work, causing them much concerns and unnecessary stress from thinking about my life, my family, and my health.

It feels heavy to leave home for that reason. But this time there is also something else. Can there be another reason that make me want to stay? Can someone give me another reason to? I actually wonder how the desire to go back to school makes me stay in the US this long. I have reached my 5 working years there and this used to be my limit -- after which I said I would go home. What's holding me there? What can call me back home?

Being home in Indonesia always give me some kind of complex. By complex, I mean having this uncomfortable feeling of uncertainties. I cannot make a stand on many intriguing happenings. The intricacies of an event or a person's situation can make me feel wary yet empathetic at the same time.

I happened to ask my dad today about his ex-warehouse manager. My dad recalled that he was a faithful warehouse manager for over 10 years, until he got into an accident where he could not come to work for days and days.. thus leading to my dad going into the warehouse and finding out that he, and all the warehouse workers, had smuggled goods out of the warehouse for probably quite a while. This was no small numbers, but goods that cost tens of millions of Rupiahs. Of course his life was no simple life at all, and he probably did not get into the decision to smuggle easily. I even took Mandarin lessons from his wife for several months. I know more about their lives but won't tell more in this outlet. I just can not understand what happened.

My mom has 12 siblings, and each has his/her own unique story. My grandfather raised the kids as a single parent. Oh yeah, he was amazing. He was thin when I started knowing him, but he was strong and courageous. He was the sin-she (a.k.a guru) in the neighborhood. He knew how to heal sprained joints, wounds, bruises.. all with the traditional Chinese herbal medication. He was a good man. The children are now all with families. Some lead a successful life. Some.. work very hard but struggle to stand up after every failure. As often happens in families, there are sibling rivalries. Less of the kind to fight over family inheritance, but more towards defending their own immediate families. People often forget their moral virtues and take their families for granted. "I have this need. As my relative, you should help me, without feeling burdened (or remembering it)."

My dad has 3 siblings, one of whom is a grandfather now. Even this smaller family has issues of different sorts.

I really feel empathetic to my uncles, aunties, and cousins who are more financially challenged. They are emotionally more restless and physically less healthy. I wonder what they say in their prayers to the Lord. And I am super-awed by my relatives who show much determination, enthusiasm, and perseverance to follow their passions and/or to lead a better life. My cousins Aibing and Wejen are both examples.
I do believe that underprivileged children, given good guidance and opportunities, will rise up to be better people than those who are overprivileged. By better people, I meant one who acts with virtues and are persevere (regardless of the outcome). I have to invent the word overprivileged because I consider even myself one--having many tertiary things in life.

Honestly, I often ask myself, what would I be like had I grown up with financial challenges, broken home, or other life issues in the family? I wonder..
if I would have been closer--or farther--from God my savior,
if I would have been more--or less--respectful of those in better positions than I was,
if I would have worked harder to start and run my own business,
if I would have been more appreciative of a good education and wanted to help others obtain one,
if I would have had the same friends I do now.
I wonder.

My very first camping trip

Last week I went to a camping trip with the TWU (ThoughtWorks University) group. The location was Mascal, about 2.5 hours from Diamond District, Bangalore. I was a little excited since this was my first camping trip, but I also knew that I would not like the actual "camping" itself: sleeping in a tent, using rudimentary toilet, surrounded by grass, open area that is potentially dangerous. I'm sure there is no dangerous animals, but.. you never know what else is there :p. So I skipped the staying overnight part. I just went there for the day to take part in the team games and sport activities.

The team games were really fun. There were 4 games that we had to complete as much as possible, in 5 minutes each.
The first one was having 4-5 people walk together on a pair of long wood boards. That was hard! Only after 2-3 minutes passed that we were able to walked in a synchronous manner. But it still was hard to make sure we walk to the right direction.
The second one, they put up a net on two high poles. The net had big holes in it, through which each team member had to go through. We could only use one hole once. So the smallest of us passed first using the hole in the bottom. I considered myself lucky to be lifted up by two guys, passed on to the other side, and retrieved by two other guys. I think our team did pretty good at this :)
The third one was the most tiring, gosh. We squeezed ourselves into a circle and put something like a rubber tire around us. That was okay. Then we had to run as far as we can, with that constraint. Oh yeah. I was dragged at times, and exhausted in the end. But I think we did pretty good on that as well!
The last one, one of us had to be blinded and walked through a path with obstacles, while the rest of us guided him/her. This was not easy, eh?
Regardless, we came as 2nd winner. Pheeww!

That was not the end of it though. We had lunch, which was really delicious. After taking a break, we went for the adventure activities.
First, we had to pass a river. For that, we had to build a raft from 5 big tubes, 2 rattan sticks, and ropes. Haha, talking about surviving in a remote island. Not bad though, we made a little "star" by joining the tubes in a 2-1-2 formation. That held up and took us all to the other side of the river without tumbling into the water.
Next, I was going rappelling. For that, I had to hike pretty far up, and climbed up big rocks. Ok, it was not that bad. If you don't know what rappelling is, this is the picture. I don't have one taken up there, because nobody brought camera with them (had to pass through the river, remember?)

Oh yes, that was really cool. And yes, that was really scary for me. A few other girls who went before me were either backing up in the beginning, or screaming on the way down. Scared me more. But I was told that it was not scary or dangerous. Just trust the rope, they said. So I pushed myself to do it. Besides, everyone else did :p

I was the third last person to do rappelling. After we got down the big rocks.. we had to wait for our kayak to get to the other side of the river, again. Then it started raining. Yeah, right! It was cold! For about 10 mins I was under the rain waiting for my kayak. My shoes were all wet, soaked in water. Luckily, I brought a plastic bag in my pocket. That became my head cover :).

Now, the yuckiest thing. After we arrived on the other side, there were 4 people left. The others had gone back to the camping site. We were left with their shoes in the kayaks. Not to mention it was still raining and we were drenched. Not nice. At least I found it not nice. We each carried several pairs of shoes, walked through the small pathways, potentially stepping on cow dungs and/or hitting the plant thorns. That was the time I realized.. I whined a lot. I complained about the rain, the dirt, my soaked shoes, the cow dungs. Oh my. Camping was not as nice as I thought. But still, a few people waited for me, I had clothes and shoes, and changing clothes and sandals. I just went for a once-in-a-lifetime adventure experience. Why can't I be grateful?

It was an exhausting, yet very fun day. I slept well that night on my apartment bed, and forever I will have good memories about the camping.

Pictures? Still waiting for others to upload them somewhere. I'll be back on that.

My fellow trainers

Well, this is the trainers team for the current ThoughtWorks University! From left to right: Felix, Sudeep, JK, me, Chirdeep, Kai, and Julie. We come from Canada, Australia, US, and India--and more China, German, and Indonesia if we count our origins.
I love the current team. I can feel completely comfortable with each one of them. They are not too much party goers, and definitely not too nerdy either. I have to say I'm the most junior trainer, and the only one who is not "senior" at the company. But it's okay. I am here because I want to learn and improve myself--of course, besides to help others grow :)

I am hoping to blog about my coaching / training / learning experience at TWU in my (new) wiki. Stay tuned.

Back to the basics

I think living in India has made me rethink the way I live my life. True, Bangalore is a big city, and so is Chicago, and Surabaya. I have lived all my life in big cities. But they are different in many ways.

Surabaya is big, crowded, and has bad traffic in many places, and has some not-so-clean spots throughout the city. To complete legal matters, money is almost always involved: with the police, getting a drivers license, even getting a national ID. Getting to anywhere requires a car, even to the restaurant at the end of my housing complex. The average white collar salary in Surabaya is not powerful enough to pay for cars, luxury meals, nor houses. To survive in Surabaya, I have to depend on my parents, on their car, their network, and sometimes--their money.

Chicago is also big, crowded, and has bad traffic in many places, but it is a clean city overall, at least in the suburbs areas where I live. What makes it different from Surabaya is the infrastructure and the laws. Public transportation is well-managed and can comfortably be used by anybody. I can take buses and trains with assurance that I will get to my destination on time and without hassle. I also can handle legal matters myself without much confusion. There are rules and procedures to do most things. On top of that, my salary is good enough to afford buying a car, luxury meals, and a house. It is not hard for me to survive in Chicago without dependency on my parents or other people.

Living in Bangalore makes it all different. The city itself may not be much different from Surabaya. But as a foreigner, I stay here almost like a local person in some sense. I now walk a lot more, 2 km round-trip to get groceries, dinner, and some shopping. In Surabaya and Chicago, I would have driven a car! Walking more also means I'm seeing more of the city, the broken pavements on the side of the road, the smelly river, the beggars, the small provision stores, the homeless dogs.. If I start thinking about them, I realize how many things I take for granted all my life. I have to say these things are privileges:
- Having (almost) unlimited supply of hot water--or simply water--for bathing
- Excessive supply of food
- Enough lighting and electric power in the house
- A good laundry machine that washes my clothes, rinses, and spins them, plus a dryer machine that dries them 'till ready-for-wear
- A clean house. You know what I mean.
- Excessive clothes
- Living with family. Having someone close who I can count on for help and company.
- A car

For the last item, I have to admit that 10 tops and 4 pants are more than enough for my 4-month stay in India. Given all those clothes are folded, they can fit in one clothes drawer. In contrast, in Chicago I have over 6 drawers of clothes and many many more hung on the rack, not to include those that are in the luggage, brand-new, waiting to be worn. I do have an excess.

Living here in India makes me realize how much of my belongings are unnecessary. I wonder how many things I can strip out and still live a decent life. Many, I'm sure.
I am thankful, Lord, for the blessings you have given me and continue to give me.

India oh India

It's been a month now that I am in India. I have to say, I hate getting sick. I was sick once with diarrhea and bad tummy ache. Praise the Lord to point me to a doctor in my apartment complex and soon I was on antibiotics. The electrolyte drink helped a lot, too. But before I recovered completely, I went out to eat, and got sick again. Yea, right. This time it hit at a bad time because it was getting closer to the first day of TWU, and I had to prepare for my sessions. My tummy bloated like never before in my life. As I sat down, I could feel it was getting bigger. I decided going to the hospital is the right thing to do. So I went and got an injection to reduce my tummy acid. This time I made sure to eat light food for a longer time and not get myself too tired.

I still can't believe that life in Bangalore has two different extremes. On one side there are very cheap places to eat, where a plate of dosa/paratha is 30 rupees (enough to make me full) and a cup of tea/coffee (strong one!) is under 10 rupees. On the other side, a lavish Sunday brunch costs almost 1800 rupees. That is 60 times more than the dosa plate! What the heck.

Normally, I would not go, but I did not know today we were planning to go to one. The location is UB City, a crazy mall full of extravagantly expensive stuffs: Louis Vuitton, Bulvgari, Jean-Paul Cartier, and many others of that class. I asked the security guard of a bookstore, and he was like, "Book? There is none, Mam." This is crazy. But I have arrived so I decided to stay. The food was good, the ambience was delightful, the place clean and comfortable. We sat on an outside deck for 4 hours or so (yes, 4 hours). I can't believe I could stay and chat with people for that long. The chocolate molten cake was the best. Absolutely delicious, both the cake and the molten chocolate. I just wished the vanilla ice cream was colder and tougher.

On a more somber note, one of my coachees fell sick again. He was out sick for almost the whole week last week, from diarrhea and all. On Saturday he got better so we ventured out to eat as a group. Big mistake. His tummy complained, like mine did. He went to the hospital again yesterday, but he did not feel much relief. I am very sad and felt somewhat responsible for not stopping him to eat out last Friday. I pray that God will grant him good health soon.

There is no doubt I miss home: my sister, Happy, and home. I miss the comfy bed I have, and clean comfortable bath room. I also miss home-cooked healthy food. I am still skeptical about the healthiness of Indian food, even the veg ones. There is just too many spices and/or thick sauces in the dishes, they can't be that healthy. I wonder how much weight I will gain by the end of TWU.

Ah, there is much more to say. But I'm blogging my teaching experience and retrospective in my wiki now. I hope to post some pictures soon over here, though!

The happy endings are over

It's finally over. Weeks of traveling and getaways and parties are finally over. I can take my breath now. But hey.. those were great and relaxing weeks. I won't mind more of them.

It started with Hexin's bachelorette party. I got a new dress the night before the party, and a new pair of shoes just an hour before. Luckily I found the shoes.. which are also really pretty. I'm quite satisfied :)
The dinner were great. The show was eye-opening, haha. I did not do anything bad, nor did anybody do anything bad to me. It was refreshing to see everyone had a good time, and Hexin had a blast. I'm so happy for her. The clubs were pretty nice to visit, but as always I hate the loud music, cause I could not hear a normal conversation. Plus, the dress was strapless and my shoes hurt, so I could not comfortably dance. But still, I loved it because Hexin loved it :)

* * *

Then it was the memorial weekend getaway in San Francisco. Oh how I am grateful that the weather was perfect that weekend. Just as if it was made for us! We had the perfect group, too. Four people, one outspoken and daring, another bubbly and excited about everything, another knows SF very well, and me.. I'm the good attendee :p.

The highlights are.. visiting Haight and Ashbury neighborhood. I really like this T-shirt that says, "I went to San Francisco, and all I got is this cloudy t-shirt" and it has many little clouds on it. Too bad I did not make a quick decision to buy it. Maybe Charlotte will get it for me the next time she is on the area.
Next is visiting Castro.. the gay neighborhood. I thought it's _so_ SF. I don't plan to explain anything about this neighborhood, nor am I interested to live here--of course not--but it was good to visit :)

The next day we got our lunch sandwiches from a small take-out-only shop called Ike. It's that small that all the workers inside are standing and the customers have to line up outside the door, but it has over 2000 5-star reviews from Yelp. So cool. The sandwiches were pretty yummy, though quite unhealthy. Most of us ate only half of it. But still, to visit this small sandwich place that was featured in Travel Channel.. awesome.

After eating the sandwich, as you can guess, we were quite sleepy. So we head home and planned to take a nap :D. However, the four girls decided to have girls talk. I found it pretty useful (for my future haha) and enlightening. No, I don't have this talk with my usual circle of friends.. it's rather lame. And I like this.. open, honest, and encouraging discussions. So true to life.
The last day was worthwhile. While waiting for my flight, I had dimsum at an apparently-very-famous Koi palace in south SF. That place must be more crowded than the NYSE trading floor! I thought. Then Tim showed us a Japanese dollar store nearby! Whoo, do I like that place! I bought $1.5 toilet seat cover that I have been looking for, haha. Cool.

I enjoyed every moment of it, including when my heart beat fast while driving up the hill of Lombard street. I wish I have pictures to share.. but my friends took them all so this has to wait.

* * *

The last getaway was this past weekend. It was Hexin's wedding. It did not go smooth--but of course we all expect that--but the whole thing was lovely and memorable. Not to mention I am one of the bridesmaids, which is exciting by itself.

The weather was forecast with scattered thunderstorm for Saturday. So Hexin and I woke up with a rain outside and we kept checking the weather hour-by-hour ever since. She was very anxious. She had imagined a beautiful romantic wedding in the garden since a year ago (or maybe longer). We had rehearsal in the garden and that place was amazing. Even if it was going to rain all day except 5 to 6 pm, when the ceremony was to take place, we were still going to have it in the garden. That's how persistent Hexin and Erik were. But it was hard to predict whether the rain would stop that hour. So in the morning Erik and the groomsmen left to a nearby city--20 mins away--to get some big umbrellas and rolls of cloth for Hexin to walk on. Just in case. There was some drama involved, but let's cut it short.
I admired the way they worked through the problems that day, and how they came up to a solution. They did not agree to each other all the time, but they understood each other and cooperated.
It really was just God showing us them (and us) that they could work on anything together, because from an hour before the ceremony, until the party ended at 11 pm or so, there was no more rain. In fact, the sun was striking hot on the bridesmaids that I had to wipe my sweat off my forehead a few times during that 25-min ceremony. We were so happy! The pictures will turn out gorgeous! I can't wait.

Other fondest memories I have:

• Hexin and Erik both claim themselves to be: the better kisser, the man/woman in charge of the house, the first to say "I'm sorry". Hehehe..
  
• Group packing for the cookies. Ten (or so) people figured out three ways to close the boxes. I still like the two crossing lids on the top, but that's just my personal preference :p
  
• Hexin walking down the aisle with Gary. I thought it was very thrilling and Gary is such a calm soft-spoken dad. Then Erik watched her from afar, holding his smile and tears. Brian later told me that he rarely sees Erik cry, so that was a very special moment. **Now, the spoiler.. if he hadn't cried anyway, Hexin was going to be upset. LOL.
  
• In the maid of honor's speech: "Hexin has grown to be a beautiful, intelligent, and independent woman whom I admire", "start the journey to fulfill each other's dream". I can't agree more to it.

Being my best friend's bridesmaid is such an honor and joy. Though it has cost me two most expensive shoes and one most expensive dress I have owned so far, I don't mind. Oh, they are beautiful, by the way :p
I love you, Hexin. I hope our friendship will last a long time and span across the continents.

* * *

I am back to my regular life now. It still feels hard like before. I mind the loneliness at home, but I like my personal time to sit back and.. daydream. Something is missing, and that is definitely my relationship with God. I miss Him. Some things are extra condiments I do not want. But I will try to be grateful for everything I have and everything that I am. After all, I have a family and good friends who love me :)

I have always wondered how other people are self-confident (but not prideful or conceited), self-affirmed, and just plain happy with what they are. Of course, maybe they are not really happy, but they look like it, from how they handle the problems they face and how they counsel me.
I also wonder why I am not.

Looking back.. I think it came from how I was grown up. I went through most of my growing years by myself. I went to morning school, while my sister went to afternoon school. My parents were not home during the 6-day weekdays. I watched TV, played, and studied on my own. Obviously, I did not learn much.
I remember a few things that were instilled in me during my childhood and teenage years. Get good grades and a good rank in class, then you will get a prize. Don't watch the cartoons and the movies, cause they teach nothing useful. Demand your rights before helping others. And maybe a few others, but I don't feel like thinking about them now.
Generally, I feel like my parents were happy when I did the things they expected out of me. When they were not happy, it was hell. So I did all I could to make them happy, or at least not upset. I clearly did not see anything super wrong with that, so that continued for as long as.. I live, even until now.

I now start to feel that it is not right to center my life around what makes my parents happy. I impose many expectations on myself that either I can never fulfill, or simply is not what I want to be. Sometimes, not being what one wants to be also means not being the best one can be. I miss out on many things. I have dilemmas over every decision that it makes me sleepless (or sleep more!), anxious, and feel that I always make the wrong decision. And this is not exaggerating.

I have expectations on other people, my friends, my family members. So I can understand how parents have expectations on their children. They feel the responsibility to make sure their kids will be successful. The definition of successful is the problem. What is it? Whose standards is used?
This world has a set of standards for success. Every country, every culture has its own set of standards for success, too. In the culture where I grow up and live, success is defined by having power and prestige, being wealthy, having a family (a spouse and children), and being well-known. If people can brag about you, that is a good thing. Additionally, be a super-you-can-do-anything and if-other-people-can-do-it-you-can-do-it-too. It is definitely not just the parents who may impose such things, but also colleagues and friends.

This burden of trying to fulfill various expectations has burned me out throughout my college years, and unbelievably, throughout the last five or so years. All these time. I am not consciously thinking about it, but my decisions and actions revolve around it. I do not blame this to anybody because it is my own self who does not adhere to the right standards to hold on to, and not adjust my priorities accordingly.
Often times, I think I am not even clear of who I am and what it is I want to do, which is another problem by itself. When I am leaning towards a certain goal, I put the goal far above my capabilities, so along the way I will end up saying, "I might never get there, but I should have been able to!" Unreasonable expectations to myself.

I don't want to live by these rules. Maybe the first thing I should do is stop being a people-pleaser. I am not defined by what my parents say I should be, or even who I think I should be. I am who I am. I need to learn about my strengths, know my limitations, and embrace myself as a whole person, worthy and capable to live out the purpose God has set for me. I want to be happy. Looking back, it was futile to do all these volunteer work and ministry when all the while my heart was not filled with joy and love. I don't know for whom I did all that, but it got to stop.
Lord Jesus, I can only recover with your help. Thank you for breaking me down to the point of despair. I believe You will help me to change, to accept myself and to accept You as my master. My life is to be directed towards You, not towards satisfying the people in it. Help me to come back to You and fall in love with You all over again.

These God's words have given me comfort and counsel:

Proverbs 14
³⁰A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

1 Timothy 6
⁶But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ⁹People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. ¹⁰For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Philippians 4
¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Psalm 16
⁸ I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
¹¹ You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 13
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

These days are very gloomy. These Psalms resound what I feel inside: disappointment, rejection, doubt, self-pity. Oh, when will the Lord take this pain away.

Psalm 88

¹ O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.

² May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

³ For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.

⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

⁷ Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah

⁸ You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;

⁹ my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

Psalm 86

¹ Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

² Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

³ Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

⁴ Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

⁵ You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

⁶ Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

⁷ In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

Happy Mother's Day

There are days when I feel happy, sad, or disappointed. There are days when I am tired or sick. Other days I feel lonely, discouraged, doubtful. Still other days I feel hopeful and strong.
In any day, I remember my mom. She is a strong lady who shows me what it means to be faithful and patient and steadfast, in any trial. And I know that everyday, you remember me and pray for me. I could not ask for more. Mom, you are the best God's gift for me!

And I am sooo pleased to find these treasures buried in my sister's camera's internal memory. The camera outsmart me!

Happy Mother's Day!

I need to slow down

I am a busy person, I have to admit. Or maybe I am not so busy but I make myself busy. When I have "spare" time, I feel weird. Literally, I will feel like something is wrong and I get restless. Sadly I am a person who cannot relax.
This may be surprising to you, but even though I do lots of volunteer work, and occupy most of my time preparing or doing those work, deep in me I know that I am serving myself much more than I do other people, especially those who are the closest to me. God reminds me of this all the time, but I close my ears and am unwilling to change. My ego keeps saying that I do not have time for others, instead I have to finish this and that--all that are about my stuffs.

This time, I think God calls me loud enough that I pay attention. This story is quoted from "the naked soul" by Tim Alan Gardner. It actually came from a university commencement address that Fred Rogers (PBS) addressed in 2002. It is a beautiful story and really knocks on my heart.

* * * * *

For a long time I wondered why I felt like bowing when people showed their appreciation for the work that I've been privileged to do. What I've come to understand is that we who bow are probably--whether we know it or not--acknowledging the presence of the eternal: we're bowing to the eternal in our neighbor. You see, I believe that appreciation is a holy thing, that when we look for what's best in the person we happen to be with at the moment, we're doing what God does. So, in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we're participating in something truly sacred....
      I wonder if you've heard what happened at the Seattle Special Olympics a few years ago. For the 100-yard dash there were nine contestants...and at the sound of the gun they took off. But one little boy stumbled and fell and hurt his knee and began to cry. The other eight children heard the boy crying. They slowed down, turned around, saw the boy and ran back to him--every one of them ran back to him. One little girl with Down syndrome bent down and kissed the boy and said, "This will make it better."
      The little boy got up, and he and the rest of the runners linked their arms together and joyfully walked to the finish line.
      They all finished the race at the same time. And when they did, everyone in the stadium stood up and clapped and whistled and cheered.... Deep down we know that what matters in this life is much more than winning for ourselves. What really matters is helping others win, too, even if it means slowing down and changing our course now and then.

* * * * *

I spent most of my time for myself. Even when I am sleeping in the train, I can not really sleep because of thoughts about happenings at work, home, with friends, and everything else. In many occasions, I personally avoid going out with friends or visiting them because of the need to manage my personal matters. On top of all that, my thoughts are mostly about problems and pains, instead of gratitude to God. At night, I can easily ask God for help relieving my anxious heart, but will stumble to say, "I am thankful for.." I got to think for that!

I remember one day in the office, I did not say hi nor greet the cleaning lady who was washing the many dishes from my team's potluck. I usually chat with her a bit but that time I was hurrying to get to bus and to the train station, so I purposely avoided meeting her. The plan went well, but I was very unhappy with that decision and felt guilty afterward. Here is someone who washes my lunch containers everyday, is nice to everyone at the office, yet work alone all night. She deserves to a hi and chat for a few minutes the least. I was so selfish.

I definitely need to work on managing my time better. I do want to pursue my interests, but that all means nothing if I do not care for the people closest to me: my family and friends. I pray also that God will give me the heart and compassion to see their needs, and be of help in those areas.

All the things I think about

Sometimes, I just have way over too many things in my head. I mean.. pretty often. That can happen anywhere, like during the service at church, while driving, while listening to someone talking to me, while listening to the radio, even while reading the bible. My mind can wander while my eyes are staring at something. I am amazed with myself, the fact that I cannot control my brain or tell it to stop wandering. Geez.

I have to say it is very tiring when that happens. Because most of the time I just want to focus on one thing, or two. And I can't stay working on it for a long time because I keep feeling the burden of everything else - combined. Today is one of those days, only the intensity is light because I actually get to relax a lot today. Even then, I have to pause from my quiet time because my head is spinning. I thought, let me give a try in writing down all the things I have thought about since morning.

Let's see.
In the morning I worry about having to go to office, spent 2.5 hours commuting and doing coding on a Sunday afternoon (ugh!). And a friend was coming over to cook, so.. very nice, I just had to say, well I can't, got to go, sorry :S. Lucky me I went to church and when I was done I found out I didn't have to anymore. Pheew.
Then I kept thinking about having to return a book to the library, which is overdue. But my sister asked me to teach her to play a song on piano, so I got to stick around at home for an hour or so. Which I really don't want to complain, cause I like it if I can help someone, and I haven't played the piano for like ages.. so I should and this is the time for it. But, I just kept thinking of the book. It's got to be returned.
I finally went to the library and returned it.
Then I prepared my bike after the winter long hibernation, to be used on Tuesday. Poor me, pumping the tires actually made it go flat. Both of them! Now, if it was for leisure biking, yes that can wait. But I am supposed to meet my volunteer coordinator on Tuesday, and I have to take the bike. I have to go this Tuesday because I am supposed to pick up a toy to bring to Max and Finn next Sunday. I had this planned out so carefully, except that I didn't anticipate my bike tires to go flat. Yeah.
Then of course I thought about having to tell my volunteer coordinator that I won't make it this Tuesday because my bike is broken, and we need to change the appointment to another week. That just makes me sad.
Then I remember that tomorrow I am meeting my accountant to do taxes. I had to prepare the documents.
I had to put the clean laundry back to the closet.
I thought about completing the census.
I thought about the next Discovery project.
I completed the Chicago Cares evaluation form. Oh, and my co-lead has not sent me some information that I have to put in there. That means another follow up email. Ah.
I thought about missing to be online and chat with my mom and dad last night. I wonder if they were looking for me. And maybe got disappointed.
I thought about writing my self-review for work. Oh why do we have to do this.
I thought about the people to whom I forgot to say happy birthday in the last few days. And Netty whose birthday I missed for two weeks. Maybe she is still upset till now since she hasn't gotten back to me.
As I ate dinner, I thought about the fact that we still have a movie to watch, and that means I can't work on the school stuffs, and that means another delay.
Grad school--and all that is about it--is a big thing. I really want to go visit some schools and the city, and meet one or two professors and grad studens. But traveling in the summer is expensive, especially to the west coast. So I got to do it before end of May, but most of my weekends are booked with Discovery projects and the only few open are within a month of now. That does not help because I haven't booked the flights, not to say I haven't researched the professors' research yet, so I also don't know who I want to meet. At the end, I thought about delaying to visit the schools until end of Summer. Well, there goes another delay. I have delayed going back to school for two years now. I cannot afford to fail another year.
I thought about Max and Finn. I wonder how they are doing now a few weeks after their surgery. I wonder if I make any difference in their lives. I know I do not get close enough to Sarah and Jason. Maybe they think I just come as a responsibility, not because I am trying to be helpful. I wonder if Max and Finn will remember me when they get a few years older.
I thought about the friendships I have with most friends I have here. Many are superficial. Many are one-sided. Many are just plain hopeless. For some, I have to question, why do I have to care? Can I really make a difference in their lives? I think I try hard to be friends with everyone, and I fail. Some people just don't really care if I am nice with them once, twice, or a few times. Maybe it's not worth it for me to keep trying. Maybe I should refocus my effort elsewhere.
As it gets more late in the evening.. I thought of when I can get my quiet time so that I can still have time before bed to be online and chat with my mom. When when when. Should really not watch movie on a Sunday evening.
And finally I have my quiet time. I said to God, "Lord, I am thankful for.." then I got stuck. I haven't really thought about it. One of the most important worship means is to show gratitude to God. But I forgot to even think about it! I struggled to think about a few trivial matters, when my mind started to wander again. Like it gets bored and try to find something new :S

That is a typical day that starts from 10 am (I woke up that late today), and had lots of "non-productive" work during the day, like chatting, cleaning, and watching movie. Other days are usually worse in terms of the amount of things I think about. I know I go too fast.. Lord, help me to slow down!

I am thankful for my friends who stick with me until now. Those who I do not see that often, or like once every 2 years, but value my friendship with them and really care for me. Those for whom I have not spent enough time yet still show up, help me out, and be my guide.

I am thankful for Jesus Christ, my very best friend, who is also my savior and my King, the One for whom I am supposed to live. I fail all the time, He picks me up each time. I stray all the time, He calls me home each time. I say "later, later", He waits. I am hurt, He heals.

I am forever thankful for my mom and dad, who are so far away, and so not getting my attention enough. Yet they think about me and pray for me all the time. Their love goes all the way here to my heart, and stays. It keeps me going and living.

In the last 2-3 weeks, I've been in what I call the "volunteer burnout" time period. I either got nervous preparing for my volunteer project, or being reluctant to go. I even thought about leaving the project. I was whining to a colleague about the fact that I had volunteer project thus I could not join them on an occasion, and she responded to me, "Why are you complaining about volunteer work? Aren't you supposed to do it willingly?"

This is not just true with one volunteer project, but all of them.
For my work at the Salvation Army.. I am just helping at their typing lab. It is really not much for my preparation to graduate school. And the coordinator seems to have a few other backups besides me. So I thought, maybe it is okay to leave this work, and I do not need to go home late every other Monday nights again.
The respite program.. oh I have been there for 1.5 years now. I don't feel I contribute much, if at all, to the child and family I am serving. He has now started Kindergarten and has grown so much--in speech, motor actions, and in responding to questions. I thought, the parents should be fine without me. After all, I only come for two hours every other week. That is not much help at all, right?
The discovery program I am leading has been very time consuming and nerve-wrecking all this time--that I just want to quit. I thought, I don't need to lead these projects to have the necessary experience for graduate school. I just need to be involved regularly in various types of projects to widen my exposure to various research topics. There goes another selfish thought.

The truth is.. every volunteer work is highly needed, sometimes for the survival of the project. I can argue I am not helping much, but my leaving the program will impact either the quality or the quantity (frequency) of the program, or both. And just at the time I am considering to resign from the Salvation Army project, my volunteer coordinator notified me about their upcoming alumni celebration. We, as regular volunteers at the computer lab, are invited to this very special occasion. I am so thrilled. The chance to meet these people who had many struggles in their past, or even now, but are able to tackle their drug/alcohol issues, to find a job, to secure housing, and so on.. is a privilege. These are miracles that show God is actively working for our good in our lives, if we only let Him to. I realized I have been much blessed by the people at Salvation Army. Many of them have good attitudes, are enthusiastic and hard-working to change their lives around. I have decided I need to stay and let God use me for His purposes at this place.

God has helped me a lot in the Discovery projects, too. I have improved in class management skills and in preparing the projects. It is still not easy to do it. I still spent weeks to decide on a project for a day! But I can remember most students' names now, which help a lot in connecting with them. And the steady attendance of other adult volunteers helped in managing the class. God has told me to not give up after just a few tries. After all, it has only been a few tries, and a first-year teacher always has a tough time. I should face this great challenge with perseverance and hope that God is training me for the next phase.

I feel a lot better now. In fact, I do enjoy learning new art skills and re-learning science knowledge when preparing the Discovery projects. I just need good time management skills and to be decisive. Yea, it's hard :D.

Romans 4:20-21
Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

The most important faith of all, is the one towards Christ Jesus, that He is our Lord and Savior, who died as a ransom for our sins, and rose again to give us eternal life.
I find that believing that statement is easy, but actually living it up in my daily life is hard. What I also find is that since Christ has the power to save us from death, He also has power to change our lives, our situations--and sometimes, other people's lives through us.

Stepping up in faith is not "Being prepared for something completely, then thinking 'This is going to work just fine.'" Instead, it is doing the best we can and leave the rest to God.

For example: last November was the birthday of a good friend of mine at work. I really wanted to give her a birthday present, and I found just the right one for her. It is "The Case for a Creator" by Lee Strobel. I bought the book, then spent several days going back and forth between giving it to her or not. She herself is an atheist, and she evaluates everything by logic. I was afraid she would get offended about her belief, or if she would look down upon me. Yea, there goes my selfish thought -- concerned about myself than about a good friend's eternal salvation.
I prayed for a few days.. and I really wanted to give the book to her, so I said this to God, "Lord, if it is your will, please.. soften her heart when reading this book. Give her the wisdom to see that this world did not happen by chance, but by Your works. And tell her about Jesus."
I was pretty nervous when she opened the gift at the office. Oh man did I wish she opened it at home. But it was truly God's work--she smiled, said thank you, and did not show any disrespect or anything to me, that day and till now. In fact, we are still very much good friends.

I don't know how much she has read the book by now, or how much she believes in one true God, if at all. But I trust the Lord wholeheartedly that He is working in her, growing her knowledge about God, and bringing more witnesses in her lives.