The year 2012 marks the year of revelations to me. I learned much about myself and God.
There were two contributing factors. The first came from a friend, who saw I had a problem and was courageous enough to dig me on it. The second came from Starfish, when I needed to give a sharing about my experience with Jesus. So here it is.
For a long time, or for as long as I've lived, I have a problem with confidence and self-esteem. Even though I've lived and worked in the US, been a trainer in India, volunteered in various ways, and maybe more, I can never talk with pride of my life. At the back of my mind, I always say, "Nothing new, really, I just work in software. I'm doing fine," and that's exactly what I tell people who ask. The reason of this is plain simple, I've never been given any assurance of acceptance.
Since very young, I was so weird, way too quiet, unable to socialize, and more often than not, refused to associate with people. My parents worked long hours, of course to pay for my expenses, and left me to play by myself at home. My dad never listened and gave orders like a dictator. My mom, under my dad's pressures, was unable to protect me. I can understand this because if one doesn't get enough love herself, she wouldn't be able to share that much, or any.
When I was in elementary school, my mom sent me to a psychiatrist for a check. She thought I might have mental problem. That left me quite a memory because I remember very clearly how I felt at the time. I knew I was normal, and was badly disappointed that even my parents thought I was possibly crazy. Unfortunately, my memory was too good and I remember it till today.
When I grew up, I was not given guidance, except the frequent anger burst when I did something my parents did not like. I grew to contain my emotion so well, that when they got angry, I told myself, "This always happen. Don't cry, don't cry, it will pass soon," and of course I still cried and failed to forget it. For as long as I remember, I've lived for my parents. What they wanted, I did. I didn't ask why for anything because I learned I had no right to ask, and no chance for any explanation. Throughout the years, I learned to not communicate my feelings simply because I wasn't able to. And who'd listen?
Even though I've tried hard to do what my parents said, I was never enough. Every failure was followed by disapproval, every success (or so I thought) was followed by nothing. It always seem that the neighbors' grass is always greener, too. I always lack my business sense, because obviously "If other kids can do that, so must you!" I always look uglier. I always need to get married now because my parents' friends have grandkids already. Nowadays, I am always too late to marry, and "not saleable". Actually, there are so many I shouldn't even try to state all of them. At this time, I'm also quite sure that my insecurities can't be fixed.
Unfortunately, these issues affect everything in my life. I'm always running. I won't speak out unless I know the matter truly well. I am slow in anything, especially in making decisions. I feel different from everyone else, a misfit, an outcast within my own family.
I am glad though, that this bringing up is what makes me an understanding person. I will truly listen to everyone's thoughts, and will strive to understand why one behaves and makes a decision the way one does. Regardless of whether I agree/disagree with someone, I want to show grace, because everyone needs grace.
Back in 2003, I accepted Jesus for the very reason that He filled that hole in my heart. I've since then learned that no one can, no human can fill me completely. Jesus is my safety, and He never fails me. I am designed uniquely in God's image, and with Jesus, I'm always accepted. My weakness is His strength, and His glory. When I call for help, He listens, and answers at the right time.
I am glad to learn this about myself, though what I shall do now I do not know. I wish it's that easy for me to decide on following hard after God.
