Sometimes, I just have way over too many things in my head. I mean.. pretty often. That can happen anywhere, like during the service at church, while driving, while listening to someone talking to me, while listening to the radio, even while reading the bible. My mind can wander while my eyes are staring at something. I am amazed with myself, the fact that I cannot control my brain or tell it to stop wandering. Geez.
I have to say it is very tiring when that happens. Because most of the time I just want to focus on one thing, or two. And I can't stay working on it for a long time because I keep feeling the burden of everything else - combined. Today is one of those days, only the intensity is light because I actually get to relax a lot today. Even then, I have to pause from my quiet time because my head is spinning. I thought, let me give a try in writing down all the things I have thought about since morning.
Let's see.
In the morning I worry about having to go to office, spent 2.5 hours commuting and doing coding on a Sunday afternoon (ugh!). And a friend was coming over to cook, so.. very nice, I just had to say, well I can't, got to go, sorry :S. Lucky me I went to church and when I was done I found out I didn't have to anymore. Pheew.
Then I kept thinking about having to return a book to the library, which is overdue. But my sister asked me to teach her to play a song on piano, so I got to stick around at home for an hour or so. Which I really don't want to complain, cause I like it if I can help someone, and I haven't played the piano for like ages.. so I should and this is the time for it. But, I just kept thinking of the book. It's got to be returned.
I finally went to the library and returned it.
Then I prepared my bike after the winter long hibernation, to be used on Tuesday. Poor me, pumping the tires actually made it go flat. Both of them! Now, if it was for leisure biking, yes that can wait. But I am supposed to meet my volunteer coordinator on Tuesday, and I have to take the bike. I have to go this Tuesday because I am supposed to pick up a toy to bring to Max and Finn next Sunday. I had this planned out so carefully, except that I didn't anticipate my bike tires to go flat. Yeah.
Then of course I thought about having to tell my volunteer coordinator that I won't make it this Tuesday because my bike is broken, and we need to change the appointment to another week. That just makes me sad.
Then I remember that tomorrow I am meeting my accountant to do taxes. I had to prepare the documents.
I had to put the clean laundry back to the closet.
I thought about completing the census.
I thought about the next Discovery project.
I completed the Chicago Cares evaluation form. Oh, and my co-lead has not sent me some information that I have to put in there. That means another follow up email. Ah.
I thought about missing to be online and chat with my mom and dad last night. I wonder if they were looking for me. And maybe got disappointed.
I thought about writing my self-review for work. Oh why do we have to do this.
I thought about the people to whom I forgot to say happy birthday in the last few days. And Netty whose birthday I missed for two weeks. Maybe she is still upset till now since she hasn't gotten back to me.
As I ate dinner, I thought about the fact that we still have a movie to watch, and that means I can't work on the school stuffs, and that means another delay.
Grad school--and all that is about it--is a big thing. I really want to go visit some schools and the city, and meet one or two professors and grad studens. But traveling in the summer is expensive, especially to the west coast. So I got to do it before end of May, but most of my weekends are booked with Discovery projects and the only few open are within a month of now. That does not help because I haven't booked the flights, not to say I haven't researched the professors' research yet, so I also don't know who I want to meet. At the end, I thought about delaying to visit the schools until end of Summer. Well, there goes another delay. I have delayed going back to school for two years now. I cannot afford to fail another year.
I thought about Max and Finn. I wonder how they are doing now a few weeks after their surgery. I wonder if I make any difference in their lives. I know I do not get close enough to Sarah and Jason. Maybe they think I just come as a responsibility, not because I am trying to be helpful. I wonder if Max and Finn will remember me when they get a few years older.
I thought about the friendships I have with most friends I have here. Many are superficial. Many are one-sided. Many are just plain hopeless. For some, I have to question, why do I have to care? Can I really make a difference in their lives? I think I try hard to be friends with everyone, and I fail. Some people just don't really care if I am nice with them once, twice, or a few times. Maybe it's not worth it for me to keep trying. Maybe I should refocus my effort elsewhere.
As it gets more late in the evening.. I thought of when I can get my quiet time so that I can still have time before bed to be online and chat with my mom. When when when. Should really not watch movie on a Sunday evening.
And finally I have my quiet time. I said to God, "Lord, I am thankful for.." then I got stuck. I haven't really thought about it. One of the most important worship means is to show gratitude to God. But I forgot to even think about it! I struggled to think about a few trivial matters, when my mind started to wander again. Like it gets bored and try to find something new :S
That is a typical day that starts from 10 am (I woke up that late today), and had lots of "non-productive" work during the day, like chatting, cleaning, and watching movie. Other days are usually worse in terms of the amount of things I think about. I know I go too fast.. Lord, help me to slow down!
I am thankful for my friends who stick with me until now. Those who I do not see that often, or like once every 2 years, but value my friendship with them and really care for me. Those for whom I have not spent enough time yet still show up, help me out, and be my guide.
I am thankful for Jesus Christ, my very best friend, who is also my savior and my King, the One for whom I am supposed to live. I fail all the time, He picks me up each time. I stray all the time, He calls me home each time. I say "later, later", He waits. I am hurt, He heals.
I am forever thankful for my mom and dad, who are so far away, and so not getting my attention enough. Yet they think about me and pray for me all the time. Their love goes all the way here to my heart, and stays. It keeps me going and living.
