Happy Birthday, Jesus

For Christmas eve, my sister and I went to a church near our home, only 1.7 miles away. It is not my home church, but the St Peter Lutheran church. I thought to give it a try since I was in the mood for a quiet service, and this church has candlelight service on Christmas eve with carols and hymns. It actually has another service on Christmas day, too. So I went to both. I like the church. The music with harp, clarinet, piano, and organ was beautiful.

These are pieces of the songs we sang, or prayers that I loved from the two services:

God sent His Son into the world, not to condemn the world. But to save the world through Him. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace.

O Lord, though You have loved us with an everlasting love, we have not loved You with our whole heart, and have not loved our neighbors as ourselves as You desire. We have sinned daily and much.

Jesus said that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life. So your faith has saved you.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. ~Isaiah 9:6-7

Be near me, Lord Jesus. I ask Thee to stay.
Close by me forever and love me, I pray.
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,
and take us to heaven to live with Thee there.

Highest, most holy, Light of Light eternal
Born of a virgin, a mortal He comes
Son of the Father now in flesh appearing!

As Your church proclaims joy to the world at the coming of the Savior, may every heart be filled with faith, comfort, and joy to receive Him.

Let us first consider our unworthiness and, before God, confess that we have sinned with thoughts, words, and deeds, and cannot of our own power save ourselves from our sinful nature. Therefore we take refuge in the undeserved mercy of God, our heavenly Father, and desire grace for the sake of Christ and say: God, be merciful to me, a sinner.

Lord Jesus, even now I ask You for this great miracle, that you also would be born in my heart and dwell there with all that You bring from Your Father. Lord, this is the greatest and most inconceivable miracle: that You, with Your holiness and love, your purity and zeal, could dwell in me, a sinner. Lord, I am not worth of this.

Come from on high to me
I cannot rise to Thee
Cheer my wearied spirit
O pure and holy Child
Through Thy grace and merit
Blest Jesus, Lord most mild
Draw me unto Thee! Draw me unto Thee!

This is the Christ, our God Most High
Who hears your sad and bitter cry
He will Himself your Savior be
From all your sins to set you free

I was not very happy this Christmas season. It is not right to feel alone at Christmas. Not at Christmas. Friends around here are I guess.. having some activities on their own. Oh well. Thus I very much looked forward celebrating Jesus' birthday. At least I can spend more time with Jesus than I usually do. And so far, I do feel peaceful :)

Thanksgiving

There is a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving season. I went through a lot of things in the last one year, made quite a number of important decisions, and was just generally more contented with my life.

Chit Hui was a blessing. I say that without doubt. One thing I learn from her is to ask questions. People usually say, "Listen", "Listen more, talk less." That is true, but before we can listen, we have to ask questions. We were not that close, but when she asked me questions about my plans, thoughts, opinions, etc, I feel she cares and is genuinely interested to get to know me.
Her presence at home always cheers things up, too. Never a dull moment watching her shopped with my sister and carried bags of shopping items home :). I will miss that.

Can't talk about Chit Hui without talking about my sister. I have to say she influences lots of my decisions in life, directly or indirectly. Regardless of the pain I have to go through because of her, she has many merits that I look up to and am grateful for. She can be very impatient when we get lost and she has to drive aimlessly for a while. But she is very patient and understanding when I am in bad moods :p. Another way to say it is, even though I put a bad face, she will not keep it to heart and still treats me nicely. Bless your heart, ce. And even though she is tired and just want to relax when she gets home after work, cooking for me is a good enough reason to break that deal. She makes sure I have food for dinner and lunch. Oh, and they are delicious.

I am also thankful for having Happy in the family. He lives up to his name :) - bringing joy to my sister, myself, my friends, and lights up the home. It won't be honest to say there is no trouble with having him. But I know my sister loves him and is happy with his company. I'm glad just with that reason.

There has been several changes in our bible study group, too, in the last one year. Maybe it is only me who feel this way: we have grown closer to one another. Some more than others, but that is okay. I can feel more comfortable sharing with the group. I know more about each person individually. I will go out for lunch/dinner or activities with them now, happily, compared to somewhat reluctantly in the past.
One person, OB, just has to stand out, especially for how he has blessed my sister and Chit Hui. Weekends would not have been the same without him. Oh, but of course, right? Yeah.. just won't be the same and a lot worse. I thank God so much for him, a good friend, companion, and role model. Never did I see humility, modesty, and a passion to serve Jesus like he has. What a living witness he is for You, Lord.

Last but not least, the very people who I can't say I love them as much as they love me. My parents. I do think about the time I will be back home with them for good. You won't miss me anymore, mom, dad. You will probably be upset with me :D. I know they pray for me at all times. Their support, words of encouragement, and love have kept me strong in my journey. Their words of correction, too, have rebuked me and helped me to get back on track. Lord, please, care for them.

This grateful heart also wants to mention the many people who have come to my life and influenced me in incredible ways. Debra, the volunteer coordinator at Salvation Army, who shows me what it means to love, have open arms, and even open house to the very people she is serving. Sarah and Jason, the parents in my respite program, who loves and works very hard--despite the many challenges--for Max, their child with special needs. And many friends, both who are far and who are near, who have made me to be who I am today.

I can hardly recall where I was during last year's Thanksgiving. But I will remember this year's Thanksgiving. My sister actually came with me to a dinner gathering with some good friends. They are like my family here.

The last few weeks I was quite busy making a scrapbook photo album for Chit Hui. Actually it took only a week. Thus the rush and panic was felt everyday after work, and even during the day. Somehow I managed to leave work at 6 pm everyday, arrived home at 7:15, showered and slept by 10 pm. By that time, I was too anxious that I decided it was better to sleep early and wake up early to do the work. So I woke up around 3 am, worked until 7:15 am, then got ready to go to work. Praise God I did not feel tired at all doing that for a few days straight. OB and my sister chipped in, too. Their help was the one reason that make the book a reality. I hope Chit Hui loves it and the album will serve as a memory reminder for the long term :)

Last Saturday, Nov 21st, was when I bid her goodbye. I felt a little sad, partly because she was the peacemaker at home, the glue, or whatever. In times when I was upset to my sister, she usually stayed calm and accompanied my sister until I recovered from my bad mood. Things just looks gloomy for me in the future. There will be difficult times..
Reading Chit Hui's emails in the last few weeks prior to leaving also makes me ponder about going home. When will I go home? Waiting to start school itself is a loong time. 2 years. TWO years. The school itself will take at least 3 years. If I go home right afterwards, that would be 2014. Hopefully I'll be a better person and better equipped for a new venture by then.


On the same day, OB and JT got baptized. Everyone in Arang went to Willow's service to witness it, including my sister and Chiew Zhi, who happened to be in Chicago to send Chit Hui off. I was so thrilled and filled with joy. I am so happy for JT that she finds Jesus in her heart and wants to follow Him. So happy for OB who renews his faith in Jesus.
Afterwards, we celebrated with a dinner at Siung's house. Siung and Sinta made rawon. Johnson made ayam goreng kuning. While Jeny made es teler. Everything was delicious.
I am just so happy for OB and JT. So thankful to God for them, too. Two very special friends. May God use them for His purposes.

Where can I go from here?

Do you ever thought, "Ugh, if God was there (in that situation / event) in the past, things would not have turned the way it was! It would have had a good outcome." And now you are going through the pain from the consequences of your action, somebody else's actions, and the wrong decisions. You know now that you should have consulted God in the past, or listened to Him, but it's too late now and you just have to fight this storm alone.

Or, say you have consulted God in the past, but either you did not get any answer (yet), or you did not like the answer you got. "Why did God give me this? Why do I have to go through this problem?" Life issues, big or small, are a pain. And we usually ask God's help to avoid it or to fix it soon.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a similar experience with Mary and Martha, as told in John 11:1-44. The life issue here is: Mary and Martha's brother, Lazarus, was sick (and died). The outline of the story is like the following. As you read through, put yourself in Mary's and Martha's position.

1. Mary sent the news about the problem to Jesus
2. Jesus heard the problem. He knows God's plan, and decided to wait in responding and making actions.
3. Jesus finally came to meet Mary and Martha
4. Martha was sad by then, wishing Jesus would have been there earlier. She thought it's too late then.
5. Jesus assured her about His power, and asked if she believed
6. Martha accepted and believed His word
7. Jesus asked Martha (and some people on site) to do some actions
8. Martha was confused and unsure
9. Jesus reaffirmed His promise
10. The people did what Jesus asked them to do, and Jesus made a miracle

Seems pretty common. I experience that sometimes. I hoped for something, got no answer, and.. that's when I started to branch out, not following the pattern of "going back to Him" + "trusting His plan" + "see the good result".

• Can you identify yourself in the story?
• Can you think of an experience like this in the past? or one that you are going through now?
• At which point did you find it the most difficult? or at which point are you now?

Now let's go through the storyline again, this time with the verses that tells what actually happened.

1.
³So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."

2.
⁴When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." ⁵Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. ⁶Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.

3.
¹⁴So then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, ¹⁵and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him."

4.
²¹"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died.

5.
²⁵Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; ²⁶and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

6.
²⁷"Yes, Lord," she told him, "I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world."

7.
³⁸Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ³⁹"Take away the stone," he said.

8.
"But, Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, "by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days."

9.
⁴⁰Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

10.
⁴¹So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴²I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."
⁴³When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" ⁴⁴The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Things work out best in God's timing, in God's way.

If you are at point 4, you think it's too late to fix something, too late to make a change --> go back to Jesus and invite Him to be involved.

If you are at point 5, doubting God's power and plan --> read verse 25-26. God's promise does not fail. He has a plan for you (and your situation!) and will carry it through, regardless of however far you have turned.

If you are at point 8, saying no or delaying to do some things that God has been asking you to.. make more effort to complete the task. A change, or even a solution might just be around the corner.

God bless you.

What it REALLY means by "Prepare for the worst case"

I have now experienced that the hard way.

On Friday afternoon, my co-lead sms-ed me with a predicted message, "Elian, I haven't got my curriculum. Could you please lead tomorrow's session?"
I knew it. It was Monday when she offered to lead the Saturday's session. But she hasn't got her curriculum. How is she supposed to prepare? Well, having the inability to be assertive as I am, I agreed to it.
After several rounds of phone calls, I found out that we did not need to buy the supplies for the project. GREAT. That left my evening free for actual preparation: researching the topic, allocating time, and choosing introduction games. That was actually a lot of work.. you know, for first time teacher :D

I was a little overwhelmed, I think. I read and read and wrote notes.. being not sure of how many kids and volunteers would show up made it hard to be accurate in dividing the groups and tasks. Though I know pretty well this is not exact science. Of course we can't never tell how many people will show up in an event! Duh.
Anyway, at 1 am I insisted to go to sleep. My mind though, kept reciting what might happen tomorrow: from arriving at the school, looking at the classroom space and where the small groups should be, briefing the volunteers, motivating the students, and so on. I really wanted to sleep. Being as anxious as I could be, I woke up an hour earlier than planned, and did not feel sleepy. At least I did not feel tense either. I prayed at night before my preparation, for God to lead me in this activity, and I believe it's Him who gave me the peace and assurance.

I made myself a cup of milk coffee. Have to be fresh and excited for the children, right?
It took about 55 minutes to get to the school, without any problem following the direction. Easy. The site representative came at about 9.40 am. She showed me the classroom where the 3rd grade project would be in. Now what's in my mind the night before became real. I re-arranged a few desks when all of a sudden I remembered, the supplies! I should check the supplies!

I rushed down to the storage room. Found the storage bin marked "Health and Fitness, 3rd grade." But as I digged into the bin, I felt uneasy. "There are only plastic funnels. Where are the plastic tubes?" I kept thinking, "We can't just use plastic funnels. We need the tubes to connect them!" Panic. So much for the first day. Does everything have to be a surprise?
Then there came my co-lead with the volunteers. I couldn't look panic in front of them cause they need me to explain to them what the day was going to be like. Lucky to me, my co-lead has briefed the volunteers before or in the bus. So at that moment I just needed to coordinate with her.
Some of the other coordinators apparently also could not find some supplies. One seemingly-more-experienced coordinator noticed our struggles and stepped up. "Since it's the first day of the program, my class is only going to play get-to-know-you type of games. And I have some worksheets for (game) exercises that you can copy and use in your classroom if you'd like." Well, that gave us a big relief. First, I didn't think of steering the whole project all the way to just.. games. Second, I didn't think it would be okay with the school.

Long story short, we pulled through. The group games went well. The students paid attention and were involved. In small group games, the volunteers were able to encourage and to involve each student. The 5 students : 1 volunteer ratio was great. As I went around the tables, there was only one student who was really quiet and shy, and another who wept in the beginning, but was able to comfortably play with his new friends after a while. No major problem. Except one thing.

While we were playing outside, my co-lead left her bag on a bench, and forgot to take it with her when going back in. After a few mins, she checked outside and it was no more! I couldn't believe it because the neighborhood seemed pretty safe, and there was no one outside the school earlier. She was devastated. Even the kids could tell something bad happened. One student thoughtfully asked, "Is her credit card in there?"
I felt guilty too, knowing I could have picked it up while she was playing with the kids. Argh. Like all problems just have to happen that day. One after another.
But my assumption did not fail me so bad. About fifteen minutes later, my co-lead peeked outside the school door again. Actually she was hoping to spot some random people who might look suspicious or something. But instead she met the mother of a student who was carrying her bag. "White bag?" asked the mother. Oh, how relieved everyone was!

That day I learned three important things:
1) Do not -ever- take your belongings away from your hands, especially with nobody you know around. Leaving it in the classroom is ok (I think, for now).
2) Make plans for even the worst of the worst scenarios: no supplies, no volunteers, accidents while running experiments..
3) Help one another

It's 8 pm, and I was still pumped up. Too much coffee? Or excitement? Maybe both :)

Am I a 'keeper' or a 'hoarder'?

keep = save, conserve = menyimpan
hoard = stockpile, stock up on, amass, accumulate, .. = menumpuk!

Setelah bolak-balik ke rumah teman-teman dan melihat betapa bersihnya rumah mereka, aku sadar kalo aku perlu "bersih-bersih" di rumah. Dalam hal kebersihan sih sama saja, tapi rumah orang lain bisa rapi, simple, dan justru menonjolkan segi estetik rumahnya, sedangkan rumahku ga begitu dihias dan di mana-mana semua penuh barang. Ga sampe keloyoran di jalanan seh, tapi kabinet dapur itu penuh (alat masak dan makanan), kamar tidur penuh rak (dan isi-isinya), sampe garasi pun penuh kerdus!

Ini hampir masuk taun ke-3 tinggal di rumah ini. Kalo ada dus yang tidak pernah dibuka dan isinya ga dipake sama sekali selama 3 tahun, harusnya itu pertanda jelas kalo isinya tidak diperlukan dan ngga perlu disimpan. Kalo mau dibelain ya.. bisa saja. Ini notebook bisa buat pake kapan-kapan kalo sekolah lagi. Ini toaster buat cadangan kalo-kalo yang sekarang dipake rusak :p. Ini 1001 sekrup uda kaya pasar loak, tapi laen kali kalo perlu untuk betulin barang di rumah.. ga usa beli! Adaaaaa ae barang di rumah.. adaaaa ae alesan'e.

Hari ini aku dah putusin, mau let go some of these stuffs. Ga semuanya dibuang tentunya. Catetan-catetan dari jaman kuliah --> masuk recycle bin. Buku-buku tulis yang ga kepake --> sumbang ke goodwill, toh kan nanti hasilnya bisa bantu orang yang kurang mampu bisa punya buku. Textbooks --> rencana pertama disalurkan untuk dikirim ke Indo, tapi kalo tidak ketemu jalurnya, ya dijual ke used book stores. Ada temen bilang bisa dibeli paling sedolaran satu buku. Ini baru clean up barang-barangku, 3-4 kerdus dah bersih tadi. Rak garasi jadi lebih lowong. Plus, barang-barang yang jadi pajangan di kamarku selama ini.. kumasukin kerdus dan taruh di garasi. Lain kali bisa ganti rak buku yang lebih kecil di kamar :)

Aku mikir2 tadi.. apa ini salah satu gejala disorder.
Alcoholics = suka minum alkohol
Shopaholics = suka shopping melebihi batas kemampuan
Workaholics = suka kerja sampe lupa waktu buat lain2
I thought, is there such thing as a "keepaholics" = suka keep/simpan barang2 meski ga perlu?
Aku ingat pernah liat di tv ada orang menderita disorder semacam itu.

Cari kucari.. memang ada! Namanya "compulsive hoarding disorder". Bedanya "keeping" dengan "hoarding" itu ada di atas. Setelah kubaca2 ya.. agak lega juga. Paling tidak aku ga ada "compulsive hoarding" :D. Kalo hoarding itu biasanya rumahnya penuh banget dengan junk (dalam bahasa papa mama: lak lak ca ca), sampe jalanan dan space kosong mana saja itu penuh barang. Mau jalan pun susah :-S. Dimana-mana itu gudang, hehe. It's actually terrible, karena di bawah tumpukan2 barang itu bisa kotor dan ga jelas ada apa saja. Bisa ada keju rusak dalam tumpukan baju, misalnya. Eeww.

Ya udah. Paling tidak aku masih orang normal :D. Tapi tetep style collect barang2 kecil dengan asumsi "mungkin" kepake suatu hari ini bener2 perlu di-control. Intinya, ga semua barang. Sama kalo bikin code program, ada istilahnya "dead code". Kalo code itu ada di dalam program tapi ga pernah dijalankan, malah jadi sumber error. Atau orang-orang yang kerja di pabrik, tapi tidak punya kerjaan (alias sering nganggur), malah menurunkan produktivitas pekerja2 lain atau menyebabkan masalah lain.

Okay. Enough work for today. Time to enjoy my evening.

Good or Bad?

The following paragraphs are excerpted from the book Follow Your Heart, by Andrew Matthews.

There once lived a farmer. He had a son and a horse. One day the farmer's horse ran away, and all his neighbors came to console him, saying: "What bad luck that your horse has run away!"
And the old man replied: "Who knows if it's good luck or bad luck."
"Of course it's bad luck!" said the neighbors.

Within a week, the farmer's horse returned home, followed by twenty wild horses. The farmer's neighbors came to celebrate, saying: "What good luck that you have your horse back--plus another twenty!"
And the old man replied: "Who knows if it's good luck or bad luck!"

The next day the farmer's son was riding amongst the wild horses, and fell and broke his leg. The neighbors came to console him, saying: "What bad luck!"
And the farmer said: "Who knows if it's good or bad luck!"
And some of the neighbors were angry, and said: "Of course it's bad luck, you silly old fool!"

Another week went by, and an army came through town, enlisting all the fit young men to fight in distant lands. The farmer's son, with his broken leg, was left behind. All the neighbors came to celebrate, saying: "What good luck that your son was left behind!"
And the farmer said: "Who knows?"

We can spend our whole lives figuring everything out. "This is good, that is bad ..." It is futile. We label events as "disasters" when we only see one percent of the picture.

The author talks about good luck and bad luck. From Christianity point of view, we can translate it to good blessings and--what we consider--not so good one.

Often times when I get something that I like or has hoped for, I think of it as "God has blessed me, praise the Lord." I think that is fine. James 1:16-17 says, "Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

But when I get something that I do not like, or not get something I want, I fret. For example, when an incident happens that requires me to change my routine, takes me out of my comfort zone, hinders me to or fails to achieve some goals. I feel it is natural to feel disappointed or down in the beginning, but usually I let myself get stuck with the mindset of what should and should not happen, what I deserve and not, or why 'good' things happen to other people.. and not me. The truth is, often times I know only "one percent of the picture", therefore cannot make a good judgment of the situation. This is just like what the Proverbs says:

Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 16:9: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

Having a new baby is indeed like "having a new chapter in life". Parents make a bond with the kid to care, nurture, and love him/her throughout their life. The first day we brought the baby home, we feel excited, yet also anxious, questioning ourselves: can we be good parents? will the baby feel comfortable at home?

The pattern of our daily life changes. We wake up earlier to have enough time to prep the baby before we leave for work. On the way to and from work, we either talk or think about the kid. Topics such as the kid's habits, appetite, attitudes, and behaviours are on top of the conversation list. Arguments about the right way to train the kid is inevitable. Actually, we communicate more often now than before having the kid! Looking at it this way, the baby brings positive changes to the family's life.

The house also needs adjustments. Everything that is on the ground level has to be child-proof: not dangerous to touch, not potentially falling that will hurt, not edible so the baby won't unknowingly chew and swallow it. The house needs cleaning more often. Depending on preference, sometimes the house needs to be bigger to anticipate having big enough playground for the kid.

The baby is truly a "dependent", just as the tax form states it. We think about the kid when we make plans. Not anymore can we go out for the whole day, unless we bring the baby with us or have someone watch him/her. Not anymore should we spend money on tertiary expenditures, as this fund now goes to "kid's emergency and future plan," like when the kid gets sick and go to school.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now I want to say that my sister and I are actually undergoing these changes. But not because we have a new baby :D, but a new pet dog! His name is Happy. Think about it, if you replace every word of "baby" or "kid" in the above paragraphs with the word "dog", the story still makes complete sense. The only difference is we cannot claim the dog as a dependent on the tax forms! Anyway, it's just an observation :)

Today is the first time Happy went up the stairs by himself, when nobody was watching or calling him up. This creates a new list of potential issues by itself, such as going up and sleeping on my bed when we are out, peeing upstairs (since it's carpet all around), and waking me up way too early in the morning. We haven't yet devised a strategy as not making this possible when we are out, but surely we need creative and smart tricks to implement soon.

Ah Happy, be a good boy.

This was him the first day he came home with us. He looked gloomy because he was scared and unfamiliar with us and the new place. He is a lot happier now though!

The last three weeks have been rough. Very rough.
There was no real problem, per say. I just frequently had drastic mood swings, from bad to close-to-normal, and that could happen.. instantly. Just like that. In the Harry Potter's series, this would be like when the dementors come and snatch your happiness away, leaving you terrified, doleful, and vulnerable.
I felt so troubled. I couldn't feel any joy, didn't feel satisfied nor was I able to.. give any love. It might be I was worrying, but I couldn't figure out what about. Though my mind was pretty clouded (literally) all the time, I survived the days because there was work that kept me busy. But when evenings came, it's all going downhill...

I felt like I lost myself. Didn't know what to do. What the heck is happening on me?!

I tried all approaches I could think of. I prayed. I counted the blessings I receive. I spent time alone to contemplate. I worked on my list of todos. Those didn't help really. In fact, going through them was a burden.. and emotion-less. Weekends weren't any better. Facing Saturdays was scary because I just wanted to get away and not socialize with anybody. Hate having to put on a fake smile.

I somehow think that the root cause is me being unable to forgive.. a particular case. Or am I unwilling to? My big ego kicked in. And here I am, in my own-made little selfish world. I said little, because really, it's all about me. I did everything to get myself away.. away from any heartache.

Psalm 38:4-10 says it right:
My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

Sigh.

Exotic or Poor?

Menurut definisi dari dictionary.com:
Exotic = strikingly unusual or strange in effect or appearance (tak biasa atau aneh dalam penampilan)
Poor = faulty or inferior, as in construction (rusak atau jelek, dalam bentuknya)

Seperti biasa, pas aku pulang kemaren, aku sempatin jalan-jalan di taman sekitar rumah. Pingin tau, apa ada pohon yang kena serang hama (dulu pernah), seberapa rapinya tamannya (karena tak ada yang full-time ngurusin), dan kondisinya beda seberapa dibanding pas kita baru pindah di rumah ini. Hehehe.. tak sangka ketemu tanaman-tanaman "lucu". Tapi kasian juga ngeliatnya. Ga tau mau disebut exotic atau poor (liat definisi di atas). Coba saja liat beberapa tanaman ini!

Dua pohon dalam satu pot! Mirip dua kepala manusia tapi satu tubuh...

Akar-akarnya timbul di atas tanah (meski daunnya keliatan segar sih)! Adu kasian...

Aren't they cute? :D Like dancing trees!
Kok bisa tumbuhnya gitu ya, ga habis pikir..

Pot kecil untuk 1, 2, 3, 4, duh berapa ya.. banyak pohonnya itu :-S

Like father, like son.. :)
Semoga tumbuh terus dan subur pohon pepayaku.
Someday aku pulang akan makan pepaya sendiri? hehe asek..

Pulang, atau pergi ke Amrik?

Sejak lulus sekolah dan kerja, kalo pulang Indo untuk liburan kadang kita sebut "pigi Indo" dan baliknya "balik ke Amrik." Padahal dipikir-pikir, apa memang Amrik is my home and Indo is a place of vacation?
Terakhir 2.5 minggu di Indo lumayan seru juga. Ga semuanya happy moments, there were definitely some "am not going back home for this" moments. And among those, there were insightful moments.
Sebelumnya ga pernah kepikir, kenapa ga nyoba kerja di Indo and kalo memang ga kerasan / ga cocok, balik US lagi? well, dapet kerja susah sih ya kalo uda keluar Amrik. Ini saja kesempatan yang *pas* ada karena aku pingin ambil grad school taun depan. Try it, yes or no, I'm coming back anyway. Of course reality ga segampang itu lah.

Sempat aku terpikir juga.. kenapa ya jalanku itu.. kuliahnya di Amrik. What do I gain? What do I lose?
I can actually find several things I gain: independence, growing up (I probably won't if I stay back home :p), a chance to experience new places and new culture, being a little more open-minded..
Now, what do I lose, really? Sometimes I get too emotional (and not rational :D) and count my losses. I might have lost one of my best buddies. (Not that I realize it until recently.. But friends go their own ways after all, so never mind with that.) And for some unreasonable reason (huh?), I consider my losses weigh more than my gains.

But one thing pops up in my mind. God.. finds me, here in the US. Would it not be for going to school here, I wouldn't have known Him, and knowing what it means to be close with Him. And this, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Philippians 3:8: "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. ..."

Don't think I can say anymore it's painful to have left home all these years, as I gain the most wonderful gifts of all: knowing Jesus and His unconditional love for me. It is what's going to equip and accompany me for years to come and eternally :)

~~~

As my dad drove my sister and I to the airport a few days ago, he sighed, "Oh the house is going to be quiet again." Oh.. yes, daddy, I know. I know. And I'm sorry to have to leave you again. But don't be too sad. I'll come home to see you again.

Berpengalaman? Cari kerja di Indo gampang?

Belum tentu.
Bahkan untuk dipertimbangkan saja bisa ga lolos.
Beberapa hari ini aku ada liat-liat lowongan di koran. Agak kaget.. Ini dari macem2 lowongan kerja:

• Usia maksimal 30 tahun, belum berulang tahun ke-31 per tanggal 1 Februari 2009
• Wanita, berpenampilan menarik
• Belum pernah menikah dan bersedia untuk tidak menikah selama 2 tahun sejak direkrut
• Tinggi badan min 165 cm (Pria), min 152 cm (Wanita); Berat badan seimbang
• Laki-laki, usia max 35 tahun

Wah, diskriminasinya jelas juga. Untuk batasan umur, aku ga pasti kenapa, tapi ada beberapa kemungkinan:
- Yang lebih muda dianggap lebih mengikuti kemajuan ilmu / teknologi terakhir
- Kalo uda 5-10 tahun pengalaman, tapi masih cari kerja dari lowongan di koran, dianggap tidak mampu kerja dengan baik di perusahaannya selama ini, atau ga mampu kerja sendiri (self-employed)

Tau deh. Memang rasanya kalo hidup di Indo dan mau income lebih stabil ya.. mesti self-employed. Apalagi kalo sudah ada pengalaman kerja beberapa tahun, sepertinya malah susah cari2 kerja di perusahaan, kecuali ya kalo buat posisi tinggi (direktur / bos), atau bener2 ada keahlian khusus :)

Chinese New Year

Dari dulu kalo Chinese New Year di Indo selalu rame. Rame, festive, banyak orang, banyak parties, banyak makanan, ... Sejak beberapa tahun di Amrik, kalo ngerayain di sini jadi rasa overwhelmed.
Anyway, pagi tanggal 1 nya kita biasanya ke 2 rumah. Pertama ke rumah emak dari papa di Kampung Dukuh. Ketemu sodara2 dari papa di sana. Kedua baru ke rumah engkong dari mama di Bongkaran. Pagi-pagi jam 8 mama terima telpon dari Ai-ku yang tinggal di Dukuh, katanya Suk-suk masuk rumah sakit, kemarin malam jantung rasa tak enak.. :-S alamak. Jadi kita berangkat pagian, mesti siapin sembahyangan dulu. Kan kalo pai dien kung mesti sebelum jam 12 siang, dan setelah selesai baru bisa pai du ti kung dan pakkung (abo akung).
Yang surprising, pas aku dateng, ada pek-pek ku yang sudah lamaa tak ketemu di sana. Memang dulu keluarga dia dan sodara2 lain ada masalah, dan buntut-buntutnya anak-anaknya dia yang sudah berkeluarga juga tak pernah ketemu dengan kita2 lagi. Sudah bertahun-tahun.. sejak aku masih sma. Nah.. makanya kaget senang aku liat dia ada di sana. Is it a prayer getting answered ;)? Praise the Lord!
Tuhan kalo bekerja ga kecil-kecil hasilnya. Bukan cuma pek-pek yang dateng, anaknya (sepupuku) dan keluarganya juga dateng! Anaknya udah tiga, wah. Yang paling gede uda kelas 6, paling kecil umur 4 taun. Dulu terakhir ketemu, yang paling gede masih 2-3 taun! I'm not sure what brings them here, but I hope any tension in the past has been loosened, or even gone :)

Abis lunch di sana, trus kita mampir keluarga mama dulu. Ceceku paling doyan makan cap cai-nya nge yi (Ai kedua dari keluarga mama). Memang unik sih, ada jamur kuping, suun, jamur moku, kacang panjang, taoge kecil2, kembang tahu, red dates (lupa tepatnya apa namanya), dan fa cai! Bumbunya pake taosi. Liat nih :p enaak.

Sorenya kita mampir ke rumah sakit. Ada ai, suk-suk, dan sepupuku satu di sana. Udah jauh baikan sih, jadi ga kuatir lah kita.

Nah.. hari ini ada sembahyangan lagi.. namanya kai nian (buka taun). Kali ini cuma di Dukuh saja. Selesainya kita mampir Pasar Atum. Memang kalo pulang Surabaya, ga rasa lengkap kalo belum ke pasar atum :D. Aku ada baju mau di-permak supaya pas, hehe, belinya kegedean. Dan papaku ada hem mau dipendekin sleeves-nya. Pas di sana, papaku terima telpon, rupanya temen kerja baiknya itu jatuh terpeleset, dan ada tulang/uratnya yang pindah.. oh oh.

Sehari-hari biasanya I always think about myself, my problems, my joys, and issues that are related to me. My life is pretty selfish. Kalo di Indo, sehari dua hari saja udah exposed to matters concerning other people or external circumstances. Life is pretty much harder in Indo, physically, emotionally, spiritually.. sejak pulang kok belum spend time dengan Tuhan yah? :'( No wonder I'm often not in good mood, or confused..
Mungkin Tuhan kasih tujuan juga aku pulang Indo kali ini.. find some answers, make decisions. I thought last year uda pretty challenging and colorful. Seems like this year is going to be even more :). Stay with me Lord Jesus, let me walk with you.

Setting up wireless router for ADSL network at home --> not that easy!

Sekarang di rumah uda pake TelkomSpeedy, itu (salah satu) koneksi DSL di Indo. Karena papa baru punya laptop :), ceceku pikir lebih baik ada wireless di rumah, jadi bisa pake internet di laptop dimana saja. Jadi siang tadi aku mulai setup wireless router di rumah.

Aku liat petunjuknya DSL modem dan wifi router, dan sepertinya setup cukup straightforward:
1. Pindah koneksi kabel ethernet dari PC ke WAN port di router
2. Hubungkan kabel ethernet lain dari LAN port di router ke PC
3. Run the setup wizard from the router
Seharusnya router bisa langsung temukan koneksi internetnya. Ternyata, di tahap terakhir wizard terus dibilang tidak bisa connect ke internet :-S. Bingung.

Setelah diulang-ulang wizardnya, aku terpikir, mungkin WAN connection type-nya mestinya bukan DHCP, tapi Static IP/PPP/PPPoE. Maklum sudah lama ga setup ADSL. Jadi trus kutelpon Telkom, dan betul diberitahu perlu pilih PPPoE. Nah, problem selanjutnya adalah mencari username dan password untuk koneksi itu. Awalnya papaku lupa, karena dulu ya ada teknisi yang datang untuk setup modemnya. Setelah dicari2 untungnya ketemu catetannya. Tapi alas, meski sudah dimasukkan username dan passwordnya, kok masih tetep ga bisa! :(

Kita pikir.. mungkin passwordnya yang default dari Telkom sudah expired, sudah diganti dengan password baru sama teknisi yang dateng, dan kita tidak dikasih tau dulunya. Apalagi di surat yang isinya password itu dibilang "password akan kadaluarsa dalam 2x24 jam sejak diaktifkan." Oops. Jadi aku coba connect ke internet tanpa melalui wifi router, tapi lewat modem langsung. Bisa. Makin bingung :p

Lalu aku google deh.. cara "setup wireless adsl router". Ada satu page itu yang bilang.. kalo ada masalah, make sure wifi router dan modemnya punya IP address yang beda. Seringkali keduanya punya default IP address yang sama: 192.168.1.1. Kupikir-pikir, ya betul sekali, begitulah setup yang aku punya sekarang. Jadi aku coba ganti default IP address wifi router ke 192.168.2.1, dan set DHCP server-nya untuk kasih LAN IP addresses dari 192.168.2.100. Yaaayy!! Beneran bisaaa!!

Pheeww. Lega betul.

But that's not the end :p. Waktu nyoba laptop baru untuk connect ke wifi network di rumah, lho, kok signalnya rendah sekali dan ga bisa connect terus. Kucoba pindah laptopnya pas ke sebelahnya router. Meski signalnya jadi Excellent, tetep ga bisa dapet IP address. Hooo, melongo. Well, by then it's time to prepare to go out.. mau ketemu temen2 lama di TP :). Utak-utik lanjut besok2 deh.

Hokky

Jan 23, 2009
Besok lusa (minggu) kan Chinese New Year's Eve. Biasa kan hari itu ada sembahyangan. Sudah beberapa tahun ga mengikuti, jadi ini kaya belajar ulang. Banyak sekali yang mesti disiapin sampe overwhelming :-S. Mirip Chrismas season di Amrik. Pada sibuk siapin kado buat satu sama lain. Sibuk siapin makanan, lots of food! Kalo teman baik atau keluarga yang dekat sekali, bahkan biasanya kirim satu package besar isinya kue kering, permen, manisan, buah, dll. Sering aku pikir, ini makanan siapa yang bakal habisin ya..

Kita mampir ke toko Hokky untuk beli buah dan permen. Toko Hokky ini bener-bener sukses, dan ga ada saingannya. Meski cuma ada 2 cabang, dan tempatnya ga segede supermarket2 lainnya, jualannya unik. Mereka memang spesialisasi di jajanan impor dari Malaysia, China, Hong Kong, dll. Bahkan ada Pepperidge Farms cookies. Juga ada jualan daging dan frozen food kaya di Mitsuwa, bisa buat steamboat. Kalo ngeliat jualannya, aku jadi ga merasa perlu bawa oleh-oleh makanan dari amrik, soalnya ada saja yang mirip di sana.

Ada yang menarik nih. Beberapa buah yang di Amrik ga terlalu mahal, di Indo itu mahal. Harga grapefruit itu Rp 10.000/buah. Kiwi $84.000/kg. Untuk perbandingan, jambu biji $14.000/kg, dan rambutan $16.000/kg. Nah, aku ada liat satu macam semangka yang unik.. bentuknya kotak (with rounded edges). Keliatan seperti pas tumbuh di-restrain sedemikian rupa sampe stay with cube shape :-S. Ukurannya cuma sekitar 15 cm3. Harganya Rp 258 ribu! Moreover, ada tulisannya "Semangka hias dari Taiwan. Tidak bisa dimakan." Hahahaa.. gila, mana mau beli saya :p

Back to siapin sembahyangan, papa mama udah sebelumnya kasih briefing: cara memilih buah untuk sembahyang :p. Tiap piring isinya 6 buah (kalo ukuran standard), atau 1 buah (kalo gede, misalnya melon). Tiap meja sembahyang perlu 1-5 piring, tergantung dewanya, dan tiap-tiap piring mesti diisi beda-beda. Sembahyangnya selama dua hari, dan papaku lucu.. ya macam buahnya sih boleh ngulang di dua hari itu, tapi lebih baik beli banyak macem, supaya yang makan ga bosan :D.
Selain itu, ga sembarang buah cocok dipake sembahyangan. Arti nama buahnya (dalam Mandarin) itu mesti dipertimbangkan. Misalnya, apel, buah yang paling umum dipake sembahyangan, Chinese name-nya ping guo (baca "bing kuo"). Bisa diterjemahkan ping ping an an (baca "bing bing an an"), yang artinya "selamat, tak ada celaka". It implies good luck right :) ?
Untung mama kasih daftar belanjaan :p, ga gitu mikir lagi pas beli.

Jan 23, 2009
Kemarin ada bank yang kirim "kado" ke rumah buat Chinese New Year. Pudding bentuk ikan, pretty cool. Ikannya dicetak timbul gitu. Dimakan juga enak, ga terlalu manis, ada fla-nya :p yummy.

Jan 21, 2009
Sebelas empat lima malem. Aku baru mendarat di Changi Airport. Ga gitu rasa capek sih di perjalanan kali ini. Sepertinya aku uda biasa traveling, jadi di pesawat ga berusaha tidur selama 12 + 7 jam. Itu sih.. boyok bakal pegel abis. Kali ini aku bawa buku bacaan, dan crochet kit buat latian :p. The only sad thing is.. my scissor was taken away di security bandara Narita. Katanya bagian yang tajam terlalu panjang buat carry-on. Padahal di US gunting itu lolos!! :(

Hmm.. pertama kali naik All Nippon Air (ANA). It's really not bad. In fact, it's really a nice experience. Pesawatnya gede dan dapet personal TV. Movies-nya bisa run on-demand, jadi ga sampe nonton dari tengah2 film seperti kalo di United (atau airlines lain). Both flights yang kita naik, pesawatnya at least 50% kosong, mungkin karena ga high-season. Jadi kita bisa dapet 3 seats buat 2 orang.. bahkan 3 seats buat 1 orang. Bisa tidur horizontal :D asyik yah. Seat yang kita dapat juga pas di row depannya lavatory, jadi gampang sekali kalo ke WC, ga perlu ngantri. Last but not least, stewardessnya sering sekali jalan-jalan nawarin minum (air + orange juice), meskipun pas lampu dimatiin dan kebanyakan orang tidur. Kalo di United aku biasanya kuatir kehausan, disini enak layanannya.

Makanannya not so bad.. hanya yang menu-menu western food, ga taste truly western food :-S aga aneh.