To be or not to be

There has definitely been 2 times since I returned to the US, where I was reminded about my pursuit in grad school, and I held it so dearly. How did I let it go, just like that?

I remember it was 2008 when I decided, yeah, School Psychology it is. I have looked, and looked, and searched, and searched, and tried everything I could think of, to decide this was the one I wanted to pursue. I prayed and got confirmations. I was so excited to finally start applying for schools--this was Spring 2010. Then in June, the opportunity to go to be a trainer in India was right in front of me. A good friend supported me. I was so into it. Of course I had to decide if it was a good idea, given I had to do lots of work preparing school application, too. But I decided to delay school application and went for India--the chance of a lifetime.

I still think it was a great experience, one that changed me for much better: more independent, more decisive, more confident. For one thing, it's given me the flexibility to see the world of non-profit in much closer interactions. I finally worked in an NGO full time. Granted, it took only 3-4 hours of my time each day, but I don't work from the point of view of an outsider anymore. I was much energized from that experience.

Then I went home and one thing led to another, that I decided, it was time to leave the US, embark on a spirit-filled volunteer travel, and head home. My parents aren't getting any younger and I want to spend the coming years with them. All is good. I felt confident about that decision. I actually felt happy. I was finally free from whatever bondage holds me in the US so far. I am always full of disappointment with the fact that I never got promoted while working here. Two years in one company, and three in another, and never had a good mentor who would guide me in training my full potential. That is why I really value good mentors/teachers. They are so rare.

Along with that decision, I was letting go of grad school, more specifically of studying School Psychology. I turned away from the chance to work with kids, parents, and fellow teachers, to inspire young students, to be one of their valuable mentors. I was ok with it, maybe because I was too excited on going to China and to do volunteering work. But as I revisit this heart of mine, and talked to a few people about it, I realize there is still a little flame in me that's calling me there.

I still wonder.. should I stay another 3 years? Will I be investing on the right thing? Will I say "What if?" if I did not go to grad school? Will I lose a chance to gain significant skills to pursue future careers? Some pride part of me says that it's great to have a Masters degree. After all, many of my friends do, and that help them in their careers. But of course that is just pride.

Even as I am typing this, I felt hard to let go of this dream. I had it so strongly in me in the last two years. Though I will go wherever God leads me to, I have felt so strongly that going to grad school was God's calling for me. Now that the sail is facing a different direction, what is it Lord? Where are you leading me to exactly?

What am I running away from?

I have found that there are painful family problems everywhere. I mean, for me. In the US, I always struggle with fights with my sister. We disagree on many things; let's not get to those here. I hate pains and I have a huge problem with forgetting my pains, thus also in forgiving. In Indonesia, there are lots of family pains, too. Some of my aunts and uncles struggle to make a living. Some had family issues. My parents fight each other; trivial matters, big matters, anything. I get pressured from my parents; get a guy, run a business, eat more and more and more.

It is a big pain for me to go through each problem. I am not good in coping with it either. I am a motivated person when it comes to pursuing my passion and being nice to other people, but when it comes to pains, I run away from them. I run. I think I have run all my life. I left school because it was stressful. I left Motorola because I had issues with the team and felt unnoticed. I stayed home only temporarily because after three weeks or so, I have just had enough stress. I prefer going back to work, even faraway in the US, because it kept me busy and I stopped seeing and thinking these pains after a while. I do various volunteer work and they really keep me busy.

My time in India was fabulous. I learned to live by myself without family around me. I felt lonely at times, yes. God did not let me stay that way too long though. I was finally away from deception that haunted me for years. But truly, it is still there; I simply ran away a little far from it. I was away from experiencing family fights, those that break my heart into pieces every time. My family is not a broken home, fortunately. Lots more people in the world have broken families: parents who are divorced, abusive, negligent, addicted, or parents who sell them to prostitution. I have a full family with complete care. I just cannot handle pains! I sometimes think my childhood experiences have much caused me to resist pains. I do not discuss them, but simply swallow them down my throat and hope they go out. They never do, instead they are eating me from inside, causing me to avoid them at all cost.

I like to think that I want to travel internationally for work someday. This is before considering having a family, of course. But I hate to think that it may be due to me avoiding these problems. I'm such a coward.

Life is so worldly, full of sins. No matter what or who we follow, we always sin. I do. They do. You do. It is just like what the bible says in Romans ...
I want to work towards forgiving those who hurt me in the past, but I think I have to work on facing my fear of pains first. Oh, I really don't know how. I long for that time when I will meet Jesus in heaven, when all His children will be together living the eternal life. As for now, I have to get back to reality.