It feels awesome, when someone really truly understands you. It's like, you can be naked completely and feel accepted, and loved. It's true, I hide myself behind shades of strength, happiness, busyness, and by loving others. And it's true, at the same time, I always look for something somewhere that make me feel like I belong. I give out love, so I can get some. But really human love is never enough for me, yet I'm still looking there. I give out help, so I can feel useful. But really what value is my effort, without God behind it?

Every once in a while, I get to touch someone's life. That gives me a sense of being useful. At least when I do so, I bless others. When I look back, I can say that I have blessed a number of people. For some, maybe just a little bit, for others, more. I hope I left a mark in their hearts, and they do not forget. But even if they do, I will remember. Every special moment I had with them. It is a blessing and a curse.

A friend of mine helped me find the pieces of my heart. I admit, in my life, I feel no acceptance. Whatever I did is never good enough for anybody. Not my parents, not my friends, not God. I need to go one way to make my parents happy. I need to go another way to make my friends love me. Then of course another way, for God. Worse, I fail miserably in all cases. The actual truth is that God loves me wherever I am. I know this, by theory. But still I feel like I never truly follow Him, love Him that much to follow Him where He wants me to go. It is like I am on a boat in the middle of the raging ocean, tossed around by the waves to different direction. I myself have no sense of direction, and don't have control over where I go next.


Recently, I am put on a situation where I need to weigh in my decisions. What's right, what's wrong? How far is wrong? Why am I here? Why do I have to face this? I wonder why God let this happens to me. He shakes me, let me fall to the ground. Broken. Feeling helpless.

I still don't know. But these words help me.

Everything that grows suffers. Even a flower. When we become a Christian, we go through trials, tribulations, fiery furnaces, all called suffering. Sometimes it is not so bad, but often it is hard.
These sufferings bring us to the Father, God, to get His help. They force us to the Bible trying to find the way out. These sufferings often seem meaningless, but they are stepping stones in our spiritual growth. If everything was always easy, we would be content and not grow.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ~Romans 5:3-4

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ~2 Corinthians 12:8-9

Pile your troubles on God's shoulders--He'll carry your load, He'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin. ~Psalm 55:22

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ~1 Peter 5:6-7

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on His children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust. ~Psalm 103:11-14

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. ~1 Corinthians 10:12-13