Friday, September 07, 2012

Not everything is to be treated with full fairness

What I meant is.. Say, a regular rickshaw ride costs 30 rupees. If a rickshaw driver asks for 50 rupees (for the same starting and ending points), one may totally disagrees and walks away from it. He/she probably says, "It's about what's fair." But I really think, it's 1.5 US dollars! Let it go for the man who rides a rickshaw for a living. Anyway, that's about the amount of 1-2 meals in Bangalore, for a typical employee of the company I work for. Moreover, we'd gladly spend 150 rupees or more for a kurta. We should not be burdened to give 20 extra rupees for the driver who takes us home, shouldn't we?

Not everything is related to sharing with those who have less. Another example is buying goodies at a small shop/street vendor. These things are usually already cheap. A toy from a street vendor is sold for 15 yuan, but I'd bargain hard for 10 yuan. 5 bucks is really just 1 US dollar. I don't even think about buying a portion of dumplings for 15 yuan, or a cup of latte for 30 yuan. Those are things I eat/drink once and have no more. But a 15 yuan toy can still be a meaningful gift for someone, and a meal for the seller that day.

On regular days, I don't have to think about this that much, as my activities are routines, and the expenses are roughly the same daily. During a vacation, however, I find myself making these mistakes unconsciously over and over, and are often unable to decide what is the right thing to do. I do think, in these cases, fairness is ambiguous. It's not fair to pay more for something that costs less (say, elsewhere). It's not fair to give little profit to these sellers who have little profit margin and rely on these few extra bucks to provide for themselves or their family.

I admit making these trivial mistakes once in a long while. Being one who lifts high integrity, yet also is a cheapskate, I get way too stingy in sharing my extras with those who have less. Yet I wouldn't mind spending bucks for a dress I really like, or a nice gift to a friend. This way of living does not shed a light to anybody, and talks a lot about my priority and perspective of the longer term. Looking after the fact, I'd feel guilty of selfishness, and poor empathy of those who have to work hard to make a living. I should really work on this.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

It feels awesome, when someone really truly understands you. It's like, you can be naked completely and feel accepted, and loved. It's true, I hide myself behind shades of strength, happiness, busyness, and by loving others. And it's true, at the same time, I always look for something somewhere that make me feel like I belong. I give out love, so I can get some. But really human love is never enough for me, yet I'm still looking there. I give out help, so I can feel useful. But really what value is my effort, without God behind it?

Every once in a while, I get to touch someone's life. That gives me a sense of being useful. At least when I do so, I bless others. When I look back, I can say that I have blessed a number of people. For some, maybe just a little bit, for others, more. I hope I left a mark in their hearts, and they do not forget. But even if they do, I will remember. Every special moment I had with them. It is a blessing and a curse.

A friend of mine helped me find the pieces of my heart. I admit, in my life, I feel no acceptance. Whatever I did is never good enough for anybody. Not my parents, not my friends, not God. I need to go one way to make my parents happy. I need to go another way to make my friends love me. Then of course another way, for God. Worse, I fail miserably in all cases. The actual truth is that God loves me wherever I am. I know this, by theory. But still I feel like I never truly follow Him, love Him that much to follow Him where He wants me to go. It is like I am on a boat in the middle of the raging ocean, tossed around by the waves to different direction. I myself have no sense of direction, and don't have control over where I go next.


Recently, I am put on a situation where I need to weigh in my decisions. What's right, what's wrong? How far is wrong? Why am I here? Why do I have to face this? I wonder why God let this happens to me. He shakes me, let me fall to the ground. Broken. Feeling helpless.

I still don't know. But these words help me.

Everything that grows suffers. Even a flower. When we become a Christian, we go through trials, tribulations, fiery furnaces, all called suffering. Sometimes it is not so bad, but often it is hard.
These sufferings bring us to the Father, God, to get His help. They force us to the Bible trying to find the way out. These sufferings often seem meaningless, but they are stepping stones in our spiritual growth. If everything was always easy, we would be content and not grow.
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ~Romans 5:3-4
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ~2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Pile your troubles on God's shoulders--He'll carry your load, He'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin. ~Psalm 55:22
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ~1 Peter 5:6-7
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on His children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust. ~Psalm 103:11-14
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. ~1 Corinthians 10:12-13