Running and hiding

At times, I write and write, trying to get my thoughts across when nobody seems to listen.

At times, I draw and draw and fold, trying to make my hands busy and my anxieties away from my mind.

At times, I cry and cry, very hard that once my head ached like it was going to explode. Painkillers came to my rescue. I always remember, I have cried much since I was little. Why do you hurt me?

At times, I sleep and sleep many hours and refuse to wake up, when I am under much stress that I can't handle. While sleeping, surely I pray over and over not to wake up anymore. Can't wait to be home with Jesus.

Paul said, "To live is Christ and to die is gain." It is surely what keeps me from ending my life. Then also I thought, what right do I have in my young age to end my life? So many other people are older or have much more difficult lives. Why can't I have strength? Where does my faith go--the faith to believe that God knows what I am going through--the turmoil in my heart--and will make things right for my and His sake.

I realize I have been running a lot in my life. Wherever there is pain, I go away. Wherever there is a threat, I leave. Wherever there is joy, I want to stay. That place I find mostly in the simplest places, with sincere friends, simple house, simple lifestyle. My heart feels light because there is no lying, mocking, greed, .. and crazy people. Hey, this is what heaven is like. This is what life will be after Jesus comes again. Oh, how I long for it. How I so long for it that I wouldn't trade it with anything. But alas, God may want me to live here still longer. Heaven home is my hope, my biggest hope.