It's only the 4th day and I'm back to what I've been trying to avoid for 6 weeks

Six weeks ago, I had big big hopes.

Weeks to learn, weeks to change
Weeks to live on my own, weeks to feel that life
Weeks to care for myself, weeks to care for others
Weeks to feel free and happy
Weeks where people hate me because I do something wrong, then I learn
Weeks where people openly give me feedback, and so do I to them
Weeks where people motivate one another, and I am encouraged

I hoped to change... and for you to change, too
But it was six weeks ago

Now I learn
Nothing changed, nothing might ever change
Your live is still the same
Your perceptions are the same
Your words are the same
Live that makes me anxious, perceptions that look down upon me, words that hurt me

Yesterday was only the 4th day since I came back. I cried.
Today is the 5th. I cried.

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It's a very tiring day. I had to wake up at 4.30 am to continue my reading before the training at 9 am. My stomach hurt, and I got a little diarrhea (don't know why). I strive to stay awake, as my eyes were a bit swollen and gosh.. it's only 4.30 am. I managed to get to the train station on time, but I was sleepy throughout the training. Lunch was provided and I was extremely hungry (due to cold office temp..), so I ate a lot (like those times in India). I left the office yawning every 2 minutes. "I'm going home and sleeping early," I repeated it to comfort myself. As soon as I got home, I smelled good food. You were cooking.
I felt full earlier, but my stomach felt weird at that moment, so I decided to eat something, but not as much as you had taken for me. Two eyes stared at me, as if warning me if I would reduce my food. The black cloud had come. I would have loved to run away, but there was no other place -- as always. Your words were like sword; your tone was its swiftness. Which reminds me.. you don't do this to your friends, ever. Well, hopefully not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Is it a favor if I'm not around. Is it a favor if you win. Is it a favor when I cry and you laugh. Or Is it a favor if I were a doll, always happy and smiley, no effort to love and no care to be loved?
Maybe I should take the offer to work in India. Maybe it takes much longer than six weeks for anything to change; maybe.. or will it?

Maybe, I should just let go of my big big hopes.