I have always wondered how other people are self-confident (but not prideful or conceited), self-affirmed, and just plain happy with what they are. Of course, maybe they are not really happy, but they look like it, from how they handle the problems they face and how they counsel me.
I also wonder why I am not.

Looking back.. I think it came from how I was grown up. I went through most of my growing years by myself. I went to morning school, while my sister went to afternoon school. My parents were not home during the 6-day weekdays. I watched TV, played, and studied on my own. Obviously, I did not learn much.
I remember a few things that were instilled in me during my childhood and teenage years. Get good grades and a good rank in class, then you will get a prize. Don't watch the cartoons and the movies, cause they teach nothing useful. Demand your rights before helping others. And maybe a few others, but I don't feel like thinking about them now.
Generally, I feel like my parents were happy when I did the things they expected out of me. When they were not happy, it was hell. So I did all I could to make them happy, or at least not upset. I clearly did not see anything super wrong with that, so that continued for as long as.. I live, even until now.

I now start to feel that it is not right to center my life around what makes my parents happy. I impose many expectations on myself that either I can never fulfill, or simply is not what I want to be. Sometimes, not being what one wants to be also means not being the best one can be. I miss out on many things. I have dilemmas over every decision that it makes me sleepless (or sleep more!), anxious, and feel that I always make the wrong decision. And this is not exaggerating.

I have expectations on other people, my friends, my family members. So I can understand how parents have expectations on their children. They feel the responsibility to make sure their kids will be successful. The definition of successful is the problem. What is it? Whose standards is used?
This world has a set of standards for success. Every country, every culture has its own set of standards for success, too. In the culture where I grow up and live, success is defined by having power and prestige, being wealthy, having a family (a spouse and children), and being well-known. If people can brag about you, that is a good thing. Additionally, be a super-you-can-do-anything and if-other-people-can-do-it-you-can-do-it-too. It is definitely not just the parents who may impose such things, but also colleagues and friends.

This burden of trying to fulfill various expectations has burned me out throughout my college years, and unbelievably, throughout the last five or so years. All these time. I am not consciously thinking about it, but my decisions and actions revolve around it. I do not blame this to anybody because it is my own self who does not adhere to the right standards to hold on to, and not adjust my priorities accordingly.
Often times, I think I am not even clear of who I am and what it is I want to do, which is another problem by itself. When I am leaning towards a certain goal, I put the goal far above my capabilities, so along the way I will end up saying, "I might never get there, but I should have been able to!" Unreasonable expectations to myself.

I don't want to live by these rules. Maybe the first thing I should do is stop being a people-pleaser. I am not defined by what my parents say I should be, or even who I think I should be. I am who I am. I need to learn about my strengths, know my limitations, and embrace myself as a whole person, worthy and capable to live out the purpose God has set for me. I want to be happy. Looking back, it was futile to do all these volunteer work and ministry when all the while my heart was not filled with joy and love. I don't know for whom I did all that, but it got to stop.
Lord Jesus, I can only recover with your help. Thank you for breaking me down to the point of despair. I believe You will help me to change, to accept myself and to accept You as my master. My life is to be directed towards You, not towards satisfying the people in it. Help me to come back to You and fall in love with You all over again.

These God's words have given me comfort and counsel:

Proverbs 14
³⁰A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

1 Timothy 6
⁶But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ⁹People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. ¹⁰For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Philippians 4
¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Psalm 16
⁸ I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
¹¹ You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 13
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.