Being home in Indonesia always give me some kind of complex. By complex, I mean having this uncomfortable feeling of uncertainties. I cannot make a stand on many intriguing happenings. The intricacies of an event or a person's situation can make me feel wary yet empathetic at the same time.

I happened to ask my dad today about his ex-warehouse manager. My dad recalled that he was a faithful warehouse manager for over 10 years, until he got into an accident where he could not come to work for days and days.. thus leading to my dad going into the warehouse and finding out that he, and all the warehouse workers, had smuggled goods out of the warehouse for probably quite a while. This was no small numbers, but goods that cost tens of millions of Rupiahs. Of course his life was no simple life at all, and he probably did not get into the decision to smuggle easily. I even took Mandarin lessons from his wife for several months. I know more about their lives but won't tell more in this outlet. I just can not understand what happened.

My mom has 12 siblings, and each has his/her own unique story. My grandfather raised the kids as a single parent. Oh yeah, he was amazing. He was thin when I started knowing him, but he was strong and courageous. He was the sin-she (a.k.a guru) in the neighborhood. He knew how to heal sprained joints, wounds, bruises.. all with the traditional Chinese herbal medication. He was a good man. The children are now all with families. Some lead a successful life. Some.. work very hard but struggle to stand up after every failure. As often happens in families, there are sibling rivalries. Less of the kind to fight over family inheritance, but more towards defending their own immediate families. People often forget their moral virtues and take their families for granted. "I have this need. As my relative, you should help me, without feeling burdened (or remembering it)."

My dad has 3 siblings, one of whom is a grandfather now. Even this smaller family has issues of different sorts.

I really feel empathetic to my uncles, aunties, and cousins who are more financially challenged. They are emotionally more restless and physically less healthy. I wonder what they say in their prayers to the Lord. And I am super-awed by my relatives who show much determination, enthusiasm, and perseverance to follow their passions and/or to lead a better life. My cousins Aibing and Wejen are both examples.
I do believe that underprivileged children, given good guidance and opportunities, will rise up to be better people than those who are overprivileged. By better people, I meant one who acts with virtues and are persevere (regardless of the outcome). I have to invent the word overprivileged because I consider even myself one--having many tertiary things in life.

Honestly, I often ask myself, what would I be like had I grown up with financial challenges, broken home, or other life issues in the family? I wonder..
if I would have been closer--or farther--from God my savior,
if I would have been more--or less--respectful of those in better positions than I was,
if I would have worked harder to start and run my own business,
if I would have been more appreciative of a good education and wanted to help others obtain one,
if I would have had the same friends I do now.
I wonder.