I have found that there are painful family problems everywhere. I mean, for me. In the US, I always struggle with fights with my sister. We disagree on many things; let's not get to those here. I hate pains and I have a huge problem with forgetting my pains, thus also in forgiving. In Indonesia, there are lots of family pains, too. Some of my aunts and uncles struggle to make a living. Some had family issues. My parents fight each other; trivial matters, big matters, anything. I get pressured from my parents; get a guy, run a business, eat more and more and more.
It is a big pain for me to go through each problem. I am not good in coping with it either. I am a motivated person when it comes to pursuing my passion and being nice to other people, but when it comes to pains, I run away from them. I run. I think I have run all my life. I left school because it was stressful. I left Motorola because I had issues with the team and felt unnoticed. I stayed home only temporarily because after three weeks or so, I have just had enough stress. I prefer going back to work, even faraway in the US, because it kept me busy and I stopped seeing and thinking these pains after a while. I do various volunteer work and they really keep me busy.
My time in India was fabulous. I learned to live by myself without family around me. I felt lonely at times, yes. God did not let me stay that way too long though. I was finally away from deception that haunted me for years. But truly, it is still there; I simply ran away a little far from it. I was away from experiencing family fights, those that break my heart into pieces every time. My family is not a broken home, fortunately. Lots more people in the world have broken families: parents who are divorced, abusive, negligent, addicted, or parents who sell them to prostitution. I have a full family with complete care. I just cannot handle pains! I sometimes think my childhood experiences have much caused me to resist pains. I do not discuss them, but simply swallow them down my throat and hope they go out. They never do, instead they are eating me from inside, causing me to avoid them at all cost.
I like to think that I want to travel internationally for work someday. This is before considering having a family, of course. But I hate to think that it may be due to me avoiding these problems. I'm such a coward.
Life is so worldly, full of sins. No matter what or who we follow, we always sin. I do. They do. You do. It is just like what the bible says in Romans ...
I want to work towards forgiving those who hurt me in the past, but I think I have to work on facing my fear of pains first. Oh, I really don't know how. I long for that time when I will meet Jesus in heaven, when all His children will be together living the eternal life. As for now, I have to get back to reality.
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