To be or not to be

There has definitely been 2 times since I returned to the US, where I was reminded about my pursuit in grad school, and I held it so dearly. How did I let it go, just like that?

I remember it was 2008 when I decided, yeah, School Psychology it is. I have looked, and looked, and searched, and searched, and tried everything I could think of, to decide this was the one I wanted to pursue. I prayed and got confirmations. I was so excited to finally start applying for schools--this was Spring 2010. Then in June, the opportunity to go to be a trainer in India was right in front of me. A good friend supported me. I was so into it. Of course I had to decide if it was a good idea, given I had to do lots of work preparing school application, too. But I decided to delay school application and went for India--the chance of a lifetime.

I still think it was a great experience, one that changed me for much better: more independent, more decisive, more confident. For one thing, it's given me the flexibility to see the world of non-profit in much closer interactions. I finally worked in an NGO full time. Granted, it took only 3-4 hours of my time each day, but I don't work from the point of view of an outsider anymore. I was much energized from that experience.

Then I went home and one thing led to another, that I decided, it was time to leave the US, embark on a spirit-filled volunteer travel, and head home. My parents aren't getting any younger and I want to spend the coming years with them. All is good. I felt confident about that decision. I actually felt happy. I was finally free from whatever bondage holds me in the US so far. I am always full of disappointment with the fact that I never got promoted while working here. Two years in one company, and three in another, and never had a good mentor who would guide me in training my full potential. That is why I really value good mentors/teachers. They are so rare.

Along with that decision, I was letting go of grad school, more specifically of studying School Psychology. I turned away from the chance to work with kids, parents, and fellow teachers, to inspire young students, to be one of their valuable mentors. I was ok with it, maybe because I was too excited on going to China and to do volunteering work. But as I revisit this heart of mine, and talked to a few people about it, I realize there is still a little flame in me that's calling me there.

I still wonder.. should I stay another 3 years? Will I be investing on the right thing? Will I say "What if?" if I did not go to grad school? Will I lose a chance to gain significant skills to pursue future careers? Some pride part of me says that it's great to have a Masters degree. After all, many of my friends do, and that help them in their careers. But of course that is just pride.

Even as I am typing this, I felt hard to let go of this dream. I had it so strongly in me in the last two years. Though I will go wherever God leads me to, I have felt so strongly that going to grad school was God's calling for me. Now that the sail is facing a different direction, what is it Lord? Where are you leading me to exactly?